'brooke you have to eat the whole banana'---- *scoff* 'even the core?'..

So my little brother (the only flesh & blood I have with X&Y chromosomes.. minus of course my babes) Ben is currently serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Lisbon Portugal. Which is super far away.. back in the day it would have taken something like 5 months & the lives of at least 2 family members to make the ocean voyage across the pond to reach him.. Luckily we have more modern means of transportation, i.e. airplanes, to get around..also Mom is a flight attendant, ergo, we have fairly easy & regular access to airports.. So what do you do when you know your little brother is going to be sitting in an airport for X amount of time before he takes off to fulfill his 2 year tenure to the Lord & you have an 'in' at the airport??

^waiting, just waiting^

Exactly you are going to book some flights, hightail it to SLC international airport, spend copious amounts of travel & wait time to get to spend 3&1/2 precious hours with your baby brother.. *spoiler alert* we MISSED our flights.. but it. was. AWESOME!!  (for those of you who have the chance to bend that rule I strongly recommend it)

 

^gabe is unconscience & wouldn't be so docile otherwise.. plus Coley & Jellybean..^

Anyways so obvi we were up FARRRR before the buttcrack of dawn (which sucked), then we sat in a car for 4 MORE hours, (which also sucked), then once we got to the airport we waited an additional 2 more hours (which was an antsy kind of suckage), but it really was all worth it when we got to see Ben.

^a tender moment between ashcat & Unkl ben.. plus Lyv^

*sidenote* Ben grew up with 4 NOT-hoes & 0 bros, so he was beyond pumped to get out of dodge, leave his estrogen saturated environment, & enter the MTC, saying multiple times he a.wouldn't miss us & b. he would also NOT be writing us.. ever..

^warning nudity above^

ps we're going to take this same picture in 2 years & see how much the height gap is lessened

BUT apparently being away from us for 5 weeks made him looooooooong for our nagging voices, awesome Netflix preferences, & obvi hilarious senses of humor.. because he was nice??? like really, really nice.. okay, okay he forgot my hug BUT he hugged me baby super hard?? so it evens out..

 

^I look like butt.. ben has a hover hand.. what's with the not hugging Amy thing??^

So then we went and ate at the airport Café Rio!! HOLLA!! Ben told us about how he was STILL outnumbered due to the recent BOOM of sister missionaries, MTC food (bomb.com), & air drops.. (involves a full load, a bathroom stall, & impeccable aim.. boys. are. disgusting)..

 

^Oly likes to be in pictures.. like everyone.. ever 'you know what that picture needs?? a little bit of Lyv'*

folks i'm telling you the time flew by SOOO fast cause soon it was THAT TIME.. so then we walked him to his gate & waited..

^ashcat mid change.. he peed on Ben.. hopefully he washes that shirt^

 & said good-bye I swear like 4 times.. dang false alarms.. Ben cried, Cole cried, Brooke cried, LYV cried, Mom cried, Dad cried, Gabe cried..(for many & various reasons.. he's a sensitive kid) Lots of tears shed, lots of hugs

^gabe was actually sleeping.. he doesn't hug when he's conscience enough to make decisions^

(he passed me over like every time.. I really am his favorite??) eventually it REALLY was his turn to take off & away he went with baby pee on his shirt, café rio in his belly & an 'I love you' from Lyvie in his ear.. Then it was time to make the 4 hours trek homeward (NOT without a stop at IN&OUT.. duh) so ya.. now Ben is gone.. we are still here writing him faithfully (oh so faithfully.. he's a letter needy kid)..

ps on the way I promised Ashcat if he popped a tooth that day for Unkl Ben I'd give him $10.. on the way home I felt in his mouth an BAM!! I felt the beginnings of a sharp little tooth!! I was. thrilled! He has been teething for like the majority of his life so i'm going nuts in the back seat & all is happy & well in the world.. about 5 minutes later Lyv pipes up with 'didn't you promise him $10 if he popped a tooth today???' once shining brief moment & then leave it to Lyvie to be the materialistic weasel of the bunch & bring up matters of monetary value.. but yes for the record I DO owe Ash 10 green ones.. to be promptly spent on gluten free finger foods:)

well it's tired & i'm late

Well a lot has happened in the past month.. for instance, September is upon us.. September?? SEP-TEM-BER!!! that's the 9th month for those of you who aren't familiar with our calendar year! that means holy schnikies where the heck did the other 8 months go?? oh wait, that's right, they were overrun with sleep interrupted nights, poopy butts, & NO hygiene.. yes now I remember.. or actually I more realize what caused me to FORGET.. cause I really DON'T remember?? I just know they happened.. wha..???

 

Anyways so September has been Septemberish??  Ashcat hit his 6 month mark!! (6 month shots soon=FAIL!).. I cleaned the basement.. again.. I just hate mess, ya know? & I REALLY hate mess in that area for some UNknown reason.. Our lifelong friend Nina got married! Mom gave Mudd a MOST  unfortunate looking haircut. We switched back to Verizon Wireless (woo-hoo) & got new phone swag(double woo-hoo!) ! And some poor soul done lost itself up inside Bessy's ventilation system..

 

So first things first, Ashcat is now 6 months old!

 My little baby is not so little anymore (sweatpant swag errrday for my little chunkmunk.. he's just really round & needs the forgiving nature that elastic waistbands provide).. he is a shameless flirt i mean he LOVES the ladies! good gravy, he loves EVERYTHING female!!

he makes these meowing sounds? (which yes, makes his mama love him even more!).. he's recently started making these exasperated fart sounds with his mouth when he's tired..i'm telling you my child is SOO strange..

 he's now WALKING in his WALKER! thanks to Gabey acquiring his own set of wheels, some ingenuity, & Tibbs dog leash.. aka Cole tied Ash's walked to Gabes & made him pull Ash around like a slave-ish sled dog for a morning & now VOILA! asher can walk in the walker.. it's actually more of a march in place with slight forward motion.. but with rhythm.. my kid likes to stomp the yard??

 

septemBRA!!

So summer vacation is really over now.. like really, really over for everyone.. especially Jack Frost.. & he has been taking his job a little too seriously.. I saw an ICICLE (looks like it should be pronounced eye-kick-uhl) the other morning & I felt the coldness clear into my empty chest cavity.. & now that there is a 'nip' in the air i'm debating whether or not its time to break out ACTUAL bra's.. like with liners & cup sizes.. I fully support just wearing sports bras (& they fully support me back!) which works fine normally.. but now that the tempurature is dropping (with no sign of it rising again in the near future) i'm thinking its time to send the girls back to boob jail.. though they have most definitely reviled in the semi freedom, like that which parolees enjoy, that spandexy athletic support apparel provides...

 

The Black Abyss

The basement.. Ugh the bane of my existence. We've had people leaving, people moving home, people swapping rooms.. it. is. chaotic. so naturally mess ensues. question: & isn't it always easier to just leave your crap piled away in some very conspicuous area of the house? answer: yes.. but it is most displeasing to the eye. So I once again went DOWN DOwn down & the mess rose higher (did I really just make a Johny Cash pun?? *face palm*) .. & really we have NO room/place to put anything else in this house so it's more a game of arranging all the crap in a more condensed & esthetically nicer manner.. & I am the CHAMP it is the America to my land-stealing white dude!! ..it's real-life tetris.. but not as fun??? cause nobody ever scores a concrete win!! 'you mean houses where people actually live in don't just STAY clean???

 

Nina & Brandon got MARRIED!

& i had to do fingerwaves..

 

(boo hiss) I know, a legally binding union was formed & OF COURSE I'm moaning & groaning about the VERY small contribution I had to make towards the entire shindig.. bad self-serving llama..in my defense though i was promised in beauty school i'd most likely NEVER have to do them again once i had filled my retro quota & gradumacated, that promise has now been broken!.. anyways Nina has been our friend forEVER! her & Coley bonded quickly in the 2nd grade when they used to make 'glue-sandwiches' (Nina had sparkly blue glue.. & isn't that just the BEST kind??) & a love of ALL things weird! Anyways it was a 1920's style wedding (which's fits Nin SOOO well),

we partied like it's 1929.. minus the Great Depression part..

 

the food was BOMB.com, the reception was beautiful, the ceremony went off without a hitch, &&&& most IMPORTANTLY they are now legally & lawfully wed so SUCCESS!!

Gross Dog..

How gross is thee?? let me count the ways.. only wait no there isn't a number high enough.. well gross dog has just been pretty much being gross?? only gross with a pep in her step!! She's like 10 years old & has seen many a pet come & go & every time one reached its demise she finds her sassy pants & is all 'i'm fit as a fiddle'.. eh, more like a cello.. so gross dog has 'bovine paploma virus' (the vet speculates she consumed a tainted mouse & that's how she acquired it???) anyways her BVP has manifested itself into an OCTOPUS wart tumor thing on her back.. normally it's just all sorts of gross just by itself.. it also normally has hair that covers it so it just looks like an unsightly mound on her back.. anyways Moo Roxie has decided she will homeopathically smite it with holy water & exorcism.. JOKE!! but really she's going all natural & trying to kill it 'Bill Nye the Science Guy' style with vinegar & baking soda.. & to make sure its REALLY effective she gave the growth a crew cut! Folks I now know what the 7th circle of hell looks like.. & it makes the apocalypse look GOOD!

she is sixteen going on SEVENTEEN!!

The baby sister turned 17!! She's 119 in dog years!! How old are my parents right?? She got a starbucks frappucino & an early morning serenade for her birthday breakfast & WOULD have gotten a doughnut to boot iffff the doughnut NAZI in the Broulims bakery would have given me but ONE baked good!! (I get that your not supposed to put them out there until you put it ALL out there but come on, a childs happiness was at stake!! & yes she's technically a child for 1 more calendar year). Other than my ALMOST brawl with the baker it was a pretty low-key day.. she went to school, like kids her age do?? or don't?? (i'm not sure it's been so long since I was in HS..) got home, ate a dinner of homemade café rio (I went a little heavy on the lime.. i'm just really good at squeezing limes.. ya know??), & finished it off with tie-dye no-bake cheesecake & games with the family..  we go hard

Bangin'!

That's right. I cut bangs!! I haven't cut bangs in.. almost 2 years!! That is the life span of a toddler!

which is a funny coincedence because I now look like a toddler?? (I got a young mug) But it just felt right?? & I needed a change-er-oo! & oh hey scissors!!

Can you hear me now?? GOOOOOOOD

After a year of dealing with Union WireLESS (no really WORST CELL SERVICE EVER!! refurbished phone with nudies?? sorry weinerface11@gmail.com.. you have no secrets from me..) we switched back to Verizon! & i am now a self admitted yuppie brand whore!! oh yes.. iphone owner.. guilty as charged.. but i LOVE it & i love it even more now that i am on a network that WORKS.. & I LOVE that my first iAPP ever was fatbooth (followed shortly by agebooth).. I mean I really know how to make the most of technology folks!!! & i'm also weirdly accepting of 'fat amy'.. for whatever reason I think I don't look half bad twice my size.. those double chins really bring out my eyes, ya??

 



ZOOlander

So weekend before last we took the boys to the zoo. The first time we attempted an animal excursion was the beginning of May this year at Utah's Hogle Zoo. Cause ya know, we wanted to make their first official zoo trip a 'quality' experience.. however, since they were 6 months & 2 months old respectively, we could have taken them to Jurassic Park & it would have not made a damn bit of difference.. the babes, it takes a while for them to acquire an attention span..  Anywho this time we visited the Tauphtus Park Zoo in Idaho Falls.. & it was PURRRRFECT! it was overcast & cooler (80ish degrees *scoff) so ALL the aminals were out & super about!! so here are some pictures of our excursion.. I know i'm totes taking the lazy way out on this blog post.. BUT to be fair I JUST wrote Elder Ben a letter of epic proportions (& lengths) & to be honest I am ALL worded out.. enjoy..

 the only animals that did NOT come out to grace us with their presence

Sloth Bears

so me & Phil decided to be the Sloth Bears.. so the boys didn't feel like they missed out

I think we look pretty.. slothy???

 the boys on their exotic steed Raja..

 Ashcat & Aunt Suga

 Brookie & Gabey Baby.. and monkey

 brooke=the missing link

check out that wingspan

 gabe: 'oh hey look you found my binky..

ash: no this one is mine.. has my name on it

gabe: nope pretty sure its mine.. mine mine!

 me & Ashcat.. being cats... by an actual cat..

 handsome dudes

 David Bowie monkey

 Gabe & Mufassa lion

 don't sip 'n' stroll

 Asher & lion have the same facial expression.. LOVE

 the lions were playing

 they were GROWLING at eachother.. you could FEEL it in ya bones!

 chunky monkeys

 not exactly the same level of excite

 phil saw his FIRST lion

and it did NOT disappoint

 sloth bears pt. 2

 my humps my humps my lovely baby lumps!

 snow leopard poppin a squat

privacy schmivacy

 fat face

 ..we are Siamese if you please..

zebra butts!!!

 

so there's uh.. my blog.. hope ya liked it..

 

wolf out!!



You can get with this, or you can get with that..

Today Brooke was in charge of Netflix. I'm not sure why we relinquished entertainment control to her (incapable) hands?? But we did .. no really though she has a very unique? taste in movies, that doesn't always (hardly ever) match my own .. so 'Hunchback of Notre Dame', 'James & The Giant Peach', & 'The Borrowers'?? Or as I now like to call it 'what 50% of HP's cast did pre-Hogwarts'

ps Draco?? not meant for gingerdom.. he's too much of a 'summer'

slso do you know how easy it would to live as a borrower?? Okay let me rephrase that. How little you would have to live on?? come on a shoebox would be roomy accomodations!

'You're just an outtie with a rusty roller skate'

So it's been an interesting week in the DeCoria household thusfar. On Tuesday we had to put our dog Ruger down..

^RUGER^



sidenote: I don't know how to act when bad stuff happens.. I mostly just end up smiling really creepy & making bad jokes & inappropro funeral playlists ('drop it like it's hot' anyone?) basically I don't just not know what to do with my hands in most situations, I don't know what to do with myself period. in all actuality it was a pretty crappy affair. NO vet in the valley would answer. not even the horse vets (he was a really big dog so it wasn't that much of a stretch).. so we had to deviate from our normal option of 'putting them to sleep' & opt for the double tap so he wouldn't suffocate to death (he had COPD.. you've seen the commercials) & had 'broken-ish' his leg) so it was the most humane thing to do?? how is going Nazi Germany on anything humane?? i'm not sure Anne Frankly i'd rather not dwell on it.. (uh I am so lame).. well nobody in our house was up for the task at hand so we had to call our family friend Richard (who was a lifesaver.. ironic no?) came over & gave us a hand. We have next to no room for more deceased pets in our front yard

that Jeff Foxworthy joke 'You might be a redneck if..' well WE'RE the rednecks

so Phil buried him in the back yard.. well then Daddy Dave got home from a business trip & he felt that it was unfair segregation (he was a black dog) for him to be the ONLY dead pet in the back yard. so.. he dug him up.

yes folks. he .dug. him. UP!

Daddy Dave: Professional CPA, Amature Grave Robber

& then reburied him in the front yard.

 in. broad. daylight. (worst neighbors EVER!)

I mean in hindsight is was a labor of  love. that most people would not be able to do. & i'm glad my dad is the kind of guy that can do something like that?? but now I know without a shadow of a doubt where I get the 'I don't know what to do that's appropriate' gene.. ok, ok I get it from both sides.

Awktard keeps its pimp hand strong in this here bloodline

Wednesday. oh Wednesday. Cole need deodorant. We needed a paper. The boys needed a walk. So we decided to take care of all 3 needs at once & make an adventure of it!

 So off we walked, & walked, & walked. The boys LOVED it! Gabe likes to swing his cheese feet & talk to EVERYTHING! he makes every tumbleweed, pile of roadkill, & piece of litter feel like it matters & its important! we even took Gross Dog..

 or well she tagged along on her own accord.. she has NO prob inviting herself. So we make it up to town. We stop & see Phil at work. Get our groceries. Then its back to hitting pavement! So we start out & 3 minutes into it, it starts to rain. We have NObody at home to come relieve us from our walk. So I take the least useless &/or decrepit dog we have (that's right our midget marvel Gator Jake!)

(half chesepeake bay retriever// half basset hound)



  & I start to run. in FLIP FLOPS. to say I was ill prepared would be a bit of an undastatement guvna! & I run & I run & I run! ps I have not RUN that much for at least 3 months ( new mom probs I can take a baby on a walk but I NEVER get to take him on a run.. excuses excuses I know..) & I had to RUN for 1 &1/2 miles to get a car to rescue my babies (& gross dog, gross dog was suffering some major stanky leg) so I kept on keeping on. people I was like HIDALGO! my own personal cheerleader! no really I spent the majority of the run verbally cheering myself on

 'you are going so fast!' 'you're faster than the wind' 'you look so good running' 'your feet don't hurt.. at all'..

 stuff like that, that was definitely NOT true.. sidenote: I was obvi NOT a cheerleader in HS. but I made it (barely) & I go rescue my babies

(you go Glen Coco) & when I pick them up just past the HS I feel probably near as good as the peeps that relieved the Donner Party.. ok maybe better cause it was a lottle less graphic.

but that was my Wednesday. And today on my Thursday I. feel. it. but it's the sweet burn of victory! & shin splints. And it's only Thursday night! I still have 2 more WHOLE days this week! Look out world you ARE my oyster!

WOLF OUT!

(smells) like the corpse of a rotting hottie

hi.

 so today was much like any other day

I wiped butts, fed babies, played house elf, played with babies, took babies on adventures

(it's a fair observation to so say that my life revolves around tiny human beings)

 

only today after I dropped a yogurt

for no apparent reason mind you

I decided that my life is completely made up of
awkward micheal j. fox (post-parkinsons) stumbled moments 

uncoordinatedly strung together
in a mismatched handiCAPABLE fashion..

 

i'm really clumsy ya know?

and that was just my first epiphany

 

today was also special cause I showered!

I know, how much of a filthy hamster am I that that's a notable occurance??

I thought about it & it had only been 3 days

ONLY?

the worst part about this is I felt guilt!

like full on semi-catholic (cause i'm not catholic.. ok so nothing like catholic)

GUILT!!

 

who feels guilty about hygiene?

smelly old me apparently..

 

also today I gardened..

I never garden!!

probably due to the green thumb that I DON'T have

but today was different

 

(for a variety of reasons)

 

& I was just feeling it

so I gardened..

in hindsight  Roxie probably should have asked anyone else in the house to do it

(including BenCat..BenCat has 1 eye)

because i'm horrible at it

I have thee hardest time determining weed from flora

like at first i'm really meek & only take a few OBVIOUS garden pesks

but then I grow bolder & bolder with each noxious weed I smite

so I start to pull more.. & more.. & MORE..then suddenly

'holy schnikies where's the plants? but look at this sharp looking patch of fresh turned soil!'

so black thumb & ok

can I just tell you how much I DON'T enjoy gardening?

ok

'I don't enjoy gardening.. at all'

 

Then tonight on the boys walk my apparel was exceptionally dyke looking??

(sidenote: I live in loungewear & just discovered an affinity to cut off boys shirts)

& my family said I should amp it & really REALLY go for it

aka add my lesbian hiking boots & make a social experiment out of it

for science sake.. right??

they want me to go as long as I can looking as gender confused as possible

& my thoughts are

'yeah.. cause if the single mom thing, awkward demeanor, & poor hygiene wasn't enough to scare away potential sutors.. this will DEFINETLY get the job done!!'

solid plan folks

 

so more on my social experiment later

not that i'm committing to it persay

let's just face it

 i'm too lazy, most days, to get ready anyways

so I generally have an inherently butch look about myself as is

 

what was the point of this blog post you say???

sorry folks, i'm afraid today was kinda like a high school romance

aka POINTLESS

& all you got today was a big fatty look inside the scatterbrained mind of me

 

 

DIS-is not right-NEY

So we watch a LOT of animated movies..

I'd like to blame it on our offspring.. but to be perfectly honest

we just have a strong affinity for cartoons

 

Disney movies & the like have been strong entertainment fixtures in our life

since well before we reproduced, or even thought of reproducing really.

As we've gotten older.. wiser.. more cynical?? we've started to pick up on the little things

you know, the bits & pieces that were added for the adult audience

 that would inevitably be watching them with they chillen's,

 so that said older demographic wouldn't want to blow their brains out over the

sheer stupidity & bad jokes (like Nicholas Cage acting/film bad) of it all. 

 

Think if those grown up add-ons weren't supplemented into those movies..

can you imagine 2 hours of Blue's Clues'y like film??

ya..the orphan count would skyrocket

..juss sayin'..

 

So while we enjoy most of the
slightly irreverent more adult aspects
 that we are now aware of..

we are also way more observant over how DARK some of these films are
 

I mean HELLO..

these are supposed to be

 APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES,

which is good seeing as the majority audience of these cinematic gems fit in a fairly young age group

 

so here are our takes on the films that have stood out to us as some of the more blatantly darkies 

 

We'll start out with an obvious choice:

 

1. OLD YELLER- for pretty obvious reasons.. okay life is good. just a boy & his canine American: being best friends, staying up late, telling ghost stories, making waffles (wrong movie you say?? meh ok you caught us) & THEN the dog gets rabies.. rabies?? RABIES!! i mean who does that?? & then they don't just live happily ever after together in foamy mouthed bliss.. they shoot the dog! DEAD!!you NEVER KILL OFF the dog!! so the dog was now a semi-crazed potential killer who didn't remember his owner??- a minor detail that could have been solved over no-bake cheesecake, back scratches & episodes of Walking Dead (sure-fire remedy for any situation really)

 

 



2. HOCUS POCUS- They EAT children.. & not like lets make a minor & mushroom deep dish pizza sort of eat.. like a creepy, dark, & twisted, they suck their soul DEMENTOR style, sort of eat.. for the 'sole' purpose of looking young & beautiful (why are women always stereotyped as willing to do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING, i.e eat KIDS, to stay 'BABE STATUS)..  & as far as i'm concerned the Salem Witch Trials are totally justifiable for about the 5 minutes following the conclusion of this movie..


3. TARZAN: This is one of our tamer picks.. I mean his parents are brutally murdered at the very beginning by Sabor the leopard.. (but that's more circle of life dilemma than anything else anyways).. where we take issue, happens at almost the very end when Tarzan (protagonist) & Clayton (antagonist) are having a rumble in the jungle.. the fight seems pretty evenly matched (what with Tarzans bulging muscles & monkey man skills & Claytons.. gun??) but eventually Tarz gets the upper hand.. or Clayton just loses all his hands?? accidentally, BUT VERY OBVIOUSLY falling. to. his. death!! & then they have a scene featuring his cold dead lifeless hanging silhouette to further cement the fact that he did indeed just do a gallows jig!

4. LION KING: Once again pretty light list option. So a PRIDE of lions has ONE alfa male.. who has more or less a brothel of hot lioness babes.. & Simba & Nala hail from the same pride?? do you see where i'm going with this?? it rhymes with schmincest & it's the state sport of Tennessee;) (total Skywalker moment am i right?)





                                                                                    also at the end they shadow-show the hyena's EATING SCAR ALIVE!! talk about sticking it to the man..


5. 101 DALMATIONS: This is a show about a crazy fur obsessed hag who is collecting mass quantities of baby dog to KILL, SKIN, & make a coat with there hides?? She is like the female Hannibal Lector.. only WAAAY worst cause we're talking about puppies!!! once again you NEVER kill the dog (or dogS in this scenario) .. plus don't even get me started on her coif, i mean really.. CHUNKY black & white dyke do on that complexion?? sorry Cruella darling but you're just not a summer

6. GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE:  one of our all time faves!! (sidenote: we've even passed down our love of it to our offspring.. they totally dig Basil of Baker Street) however we just recently stumbled upon what qualifies it for this blog post.. more accurately Coley discovered this.. it was a few months ago & she was watching it for about the millionth time that day (Gabe really REALLY likes it) & when Rattigan is singing about his latest scheme & then his merry band of misfits join in with ..'even meaner? you mean it? WORST THAN THE ORPHANS & WIDOWS WE DROWNED?'..wha?? whaaaa?? holy darkness!! i think my soul just. died. a little bit! & then at the end where Rattigan WERERODENTS out? Ya RatHulk used to scare the poop out of me.. suitable for child audiences..*scoff*


7. ANASTASIA: if you ever paid any attention to your History teachers, you know A's background, & you know that Fox had it's work cut out for them to make this a family friendly jam.. which they were mostly able to accomplish.. who am i kidding?? the entire film was centered around one big satanic shit-show.. (but Demetri was as smoking hot as an animated dude could be).. anyways the antagonist, Rasputin (dead ringer for Al Pacino/Brian David Mitchell hybrid), who in the first 5 minutes sells his SOUL to SATAN!! (it literally animates that out) & then MURDERS her whole family (minus herself & her grams obvi)..in cold blood(like really cold it's set in Russia) ya PG rated my friends!!  then it skips forward 18 years & Rasputin just spends the rest of the feature trying to end Anastasia! he is in lamans term, a serial killer, & did i mention he's a rotting corpse serial killer that is like graphically SMOTE in the end by pure evil?? although to be fair you must applaud his lazer-like focus & determination..plus lets not forget to mention catchy toe-tapping musical numbers

8. CHARLOTTES WEB: The whole time the pig is on the brink of being butchered (try saying that 5 times faster).. & then he's saved from the cold clutches of death by a literate spider with surprisingly good webmanship.. who heart-wrenchingly DIES (i know, who ever thought anyone would be sad to see an arachnid croak?) in the end from exhausting herself in efforts that saved the wee little porker.. you finish the movie & it feels kinda like a facebook fight.. even if you win, you still lose..


9. PINNOCHIO: I wasn't sure about Pinnochio's validity on this blog until Phil broke it down for me at lunch, & i saw the light.. er, well.. opposite.. of.. light.. K think what this movie is centered around.. An old man makes a boy!! YA!!.. now you may be willing to argue with me that perhaps he was just lonely??  in which case i would point out, 'If dude was really that lonely he could have made himself an age appropro female companion'.. instead he made himself a little boy DOLL! then there is the Pleasure Island (??? ...????) , like unto Sodom & Ghamora, where all the little kids turn into donkeys & are sold to work in salt mines?? creeptastic, no??

10. SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFES:  SW's stepmom,  Evil Queen (probably a family name??) is SUUUUPER jelly of SW..(for obvious reasons.. NOT.. easily the most doggish DISprincess.. & they have not one but TWO gingas!! how's that for a below the belt blow to the ole' ego?) So she immediately sets out to murder her stepdaughter in cold blood (cause isn't that the best way to resolve family issues??) but NO! Snowy escapes into the woods & happens upon a midget colony, where she decides to set up residency & bake pies (with exaggerated ease mind you) & serenade woodland creatures till her hearts content.. happy ever after, the end.. NAAAHT!! ole Evil disguises herself as a very believable old crone & hunts SW down & gives her a poisoned apple.. first things first, who accepts fruit from random old hags that look like death warmed over?? albino-esque soprano's apparently.. so SW eats the apple.. DIES! & a full fledged fur RIOT ensues!! Snowy's vertically challenged/animal posse chase the ole bitch up to the top of a cliff, where she accidentally?? commits suicide, by means of a huge boulder smushing her like she was fist-pumping trash on an episode of Jersey Shore..


11. BLACK CAULDRON- well besides the WHOLE damn movie (which scored Disney its first PG rating), where do i start.. ok so there is this Horned King (kinda looks like Judy Dench after she's been on a 2 week bender)

                                                                       ..& he is after this cauldron.. yes yes the BLACK cauldron.. due to its magical ability to bring a kind of life to the dead.. which are called 'cauldron born'.. i know, *shivers*.. because he plans to build himself an undead army with which to take over the world.. global domination at it's DARKEST.. *spoiler alert* he finds the cauldron, & he totes raises his zombie soldiers.. horned king, dark magic, dead soldiers oh my!.. but then there is a kamikaze-like human sacrifice?? & it destroys the undead army, with one horned king kicker to boot, THE END..

12. HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - Judge Frollo (bad guy) in the first 5 minutes has killed a gypsy woman & is about to throw her deformed infant down a well when a priest stops him.. so he leaves the baby (that he named Quasimodo which means half-formed) at the church (Notre Dame) where it stays locked in the bell towers cause he's very unattractive?? anyways ugly kid grows up.. now ole' Frollo is extremely self-righteous & even more so prejudiced against gypsy's.. yet he wants to coheres a (turns out to be 15yr old..(gross, gross, & I submit even more gross))Gypsy dancer Esmeralda into being his glorified prostitute??.. weird.. anyways she is not interesting in any part of his goodie basket, so he gets upset (maybe the understatement of the year.. at least the month), she goes into hiding, he burns down 1/2 of Paris trying to find her.. Quasi helps her out a lot.. eventually she is caught & he goes to burn. her. ALIVE (apparently he was still a little butthurt over the rejection) BUT Quasi saves her life.. then him and Frollo scuffle on the roof & eventually Frollo falls to his death in a most terrifying manner that is symbolically, more or less, saying he's been damned to hell.. serves his self righteous ass right


13. ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN: the main character Charlie (a dog) DIES at the beginning..& goes to heaven.. but finds a way back to earth with the help of a magic pocket watch?? once there he starts up a gambling ring & extorts a little girls ability to talk to animals (which gives him a leg up when making bets at the racetrack).. he recruits her help with (false) promises that he will find her a family (which he of course has no intention of doing) & through lies & bad decisions she catches pneumonia & it wipes out all of her strength so at the end she almost drowns BUT Charlie (doing his only decent act the entire movie) decides to save her, therefore sacrificing himself.. boo.. but it's okay cause like the title says 'All dogs go to Heaven'.. in the sequel (aptly named 'All Dogs Go To Heaven 2') we find out that while our canine compadres are paradise bound after they bite the big one, our furry feline friends are not in for such an afterlife treat seeing as they all go to HELL! no really.. they made a cat the devil.. have you no decency!?!?.

14. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Coley was adamant this one make the cut.. she felt that the villagers actions at the end of the film a bit extreme.. Like, most the show they don't even know the Beast exists & then as soon as they become aware of his persons they go all angry mob on him, fully armed with torches & pitchforks.. it really escalated too quickly.. all the sudden it was BAM! 'KILL THE BEAST!' not 'LETS SEE IF HE'LL MOVE!' or 'LETS TRY TO GET TO KNOW HIM, MAYBE HE'S A NICE GUY!' or 'HE'S NEVER BOTHERED US BEFORE MAYBE WE'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS'.. they were an unjust lynch mob to say the least.. but it's okay cause they get a serious beat down courtesy of random enchanted household objects/appliances.. double plus bonus, the Lead Douchelord Gaston, attempts to cheap shot (cheap stab?? cheap maim?? .. no that doesn't sound right) the beast by trying to take him from behind (okay.. that sounds even worse) but his balance is shotty & he falls to his DOOM.. oh but *happy dance* the beast turns back into a very monochromatic boy.. man?? manboy.. the end