This was a question on one of those either/or quizzes that has been circulating around social media for the last decade. I've read my fair share of them & filled them out at almost the same rate. So safe to say i've read hundreds of these questions in my lifetime.
But it's this one, this question; 'would you rather your child be smart or kind', that stuck with me.
Stuck with me long before I had children. Or even thought about my potential posterity. I couldn't tell you why for sure but I think it's because my immediate response was surprising to me. I have long valued intelligence. I'm not the smartest cookie in the cookie jar, but for lack of a better description; i like being around smart people. I like being around people that can teach me things. And in all honestly; while i'm not a rocket scientist, I am naturally way more smart than I am kind.
But that wasn't my answer.
My 20 yr old mind immediately said 'kind'.
Why? Why kind? What is so great about kind? If you're inherently kind can you learn to be smart? Probably not. But if you were born smart couldn't you just adopt kindness? After all you clearly would have a big brain. Just use some of those neuropathways to exhibit empathy.
And yet still. My mind said 'kind'.
Fast forward a few years, I disregard anything I was ever taught in health class, & as a result I give birth to my Ashybug.
Ashybug was such a beautiful & sweet soul right from the start. A lot of people comment on his little brother Shilohs happy demeanor & that was Asher. Asher was as sweet & smiley & happy as any baby ever born. Ash was the OG 'smiley guyly'.
Asher was born kind.
As it would turn out that is not the only way in which Asher was made differently. As easy as kindness has came to him, is as difficult & hard other things have not been for him.
Unfortunately the world doesn't normally look close enough or for long enough to see HIS full spectrum. Him. They just see different. And most of the time they do not react with kindness.
That has been his reality for his whole life. His ENTIRE life. 95% of everyone he has encountered have treated him not only like he's different. But like there is something wrong with him.
Asher asked a lot of questions. A lot of them being the same questions on repeat. Thanks echolalia. But one of his series of questions is he constantly is noticing things about people & especially about people appearence & he just wants to know 'why' without him ever thinking than any quality is inherently 'good' or 'bad'.
'Mom why is your hair black?'. Because that's the way God made me. 'Mom why is Frankie missing a toe?' Because that's the way the God made her. 'Mom why does Tibbsy not have a tail?' 'Mom why is Bunkle bald?' ' Mom why do we have butts?'
Because that's the way the God made them. Also, because 'Bunkle lost his hair in the war.'
'Because that's the way God made them' he will echo to himself. And that answer is usually satisfactory to him. He leaves it there & goes about with whatever he was doing before. Usually to some degree forgetting I am even there.
I wish that same attitude he has was affording to him. If only by 50% of the general population. That would be a steep rise from where we are at.
Where he is at. Because ultimately yes, it hurts my 'momma heart' when people ignore his attempt to connect, or make snide comments about him, or openly mock him.
But more than that, more than me, it hurts him.
And this is not to say that Asher is this angel child who is always sunshine & rainbows. He, like any other kid, is assuredly not. I mean I've been at the receiving end of more of his right hooks than anyone. I can confidently confirm that I am at the tippy top of that statistic.
He's not perfect. But he is at his core; kind.
I have been said to me multiple times over & over regarding the reality of how other people react to Asher 'it's life.' 'thats the reality with him.' 'tough' 'i should get used to it because it's going to keep happening.'
And i guess over the years i've come to decide 'no. I will not 'be okay with it'. I don't accept.
Why im not is because yes. Yes Ashy is different & he always will be.
Because God made him this way.
But that doesn't mean that other people cant or shouldn't change in this regard. I mean how could more kindness possibly hurt the world.
And im not without my flaws. As i say this i know full well that there have been many instances in my life where i was given a choice & i chose the unkind route. I CHOSE to be unkind & i hurt people. Hell there are still moments where I end up being unkind & I hurt people. And honestly those are the moments i most regret. Those are some of the most frequent thoughts that keep me up at night.
Anyone can be unkind. Good people, bad people. Anyone. There is not any 'one type' of person that has exclusive rights to a lack of kindness.
WHICH, FLIPSIDE, GLASS HALF FULL, IS GREAT!!
Because it also means that anyone CAN BE KIND!
So back to the question that started this all; Would you rather you're child be smart or be kind?
I was given a child who is much more kind than he is smart. I wasn't really given a choice. Life is not a facebook questionaire.
But honestly, i wouldn't change that. Even if i could.
**If anyone here reading this has been on the receiving end of me just being shitty & cruel. I know there have been instances where the word 'unkind' doesn't quite do it justice. I am sorry. I know that doesn't fix it. And there are many occasions where I don't deserve to be forgiven for my actions. I don't expect you to. But I want you to know; I am truly sorry. And i'll continue to try to do better.
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