So we watch a LOT of animated movies..
I'd like to blame it on our offspring.. but to be perfectly honest
we just have a strong affinity for cartoons
Disney movies & the like have been strong entertainment fixtures in our life
since well before we reproduced, or even thought of reproducing really.
As we've gotten older.. wiser.. more cynical?? we've started to pick up on the little things
you know, the bits & pieces that were added for the adult audience
that would inevitably be watching them with they chillen's,
so that said older demographic wouldn't want to blow their brains out over the
sheer stupidity & bad jokes (like Nicholas Cage acting/film bad) of it all.
Think if those grown up add-ons weren't supplemented into those movies..
can you imagine 2 hours of Blue's Clues'y like film??
ya..the orphan count would skyrocket
..juss sayin'..
So while we enjoy most of the
slightly irreverent more adult aspects
that we are now aware of..
slightly irreverent more adult aspects
that we are now aware of..
we are also way more observant over how DARK some of these films are
I mean HELLO..
these are supposed to be
APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES,
which is good seeing as the majority audience of these cinematic gems fit in a fairly young age group
so here are our takes on the films that have stood out to us as some of the more blatantly darkies
We'll start out with an obvious choice:
1. OLD YELLER- for pretty obvious reasons.. okay life is good. just a boy & his canine American: being best friends, staying up late, telling ghost stories, making waffles (wrong movie you say?? meh ok you caught us) & THEN the dog gets rabies.. rabies?? RABIES!! i mean who does that?? & then they don't just live happily ever after together in foamy mouthed bliss.. they shoot the dog! DEAD!!you NEVER KILL OFF the dog!! so the dog was now a semi-crazed potential killer who didn't remember his owner??- a minor detail that could have been solved over no-bake cheesecake, back scratches & episodes of Walking Dead (sure-fire remedy for any situation really)
2. HOCUS POCUS- They EAT children.. & not like lets make a minor & mushroom deep dish pizza sort of eat.. like a creepy, dark, & twisted, they suck their soul DEMENTOR style, sort of eat.. for the 'sole' purpose of looking young & beautiful (why are women always stereotyped as willing to do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING, i.e eat KIDS, to stay 'BABE STATUS).. & as far as i'm concerned the Salem Witch Trials are totally justifiable for about the 5 minutes following the conclusion of this movie..3. TARZAN: This is one of our tamer picks.. I mean his parents are brutally murdered at the very beginning by Sabor the leopard.. (but that's more circle of life dilemma than anything else anyways).. where we take issue, happens at almost the very end when Tarzan (protagonist) & Clayton (antagonist) are having a rumble in the jungle.. the fight seems pretty evenly matched (what with Tarzans bulging muscles & monkey man skills & Claytons.. gun??) but eventually Tarz gets the upper hand.. or Clayton just loses all his hands?? accidentally, BUT VERY OBVIOUSLY falling. to. his. death!! & then they have a scene featuring his cold dead lifeless hanging silhouette to further cement the fact that he did indeed just do a gallows jig!
4. LION KING: Once again pretty light list option. So a PRIDE of lions has ONE alfa male.. who has more or less a brothel of hot lioness babes.. & Simba & Nala hail from the same pride?? do you see where i'm going with this?? it rhymes with schmincest & it's the state sport of Tennessee;) (total Skywalker moment am i right?)
also at the end they shadow-show the hyena's EATING SCAR ALIVE!! talk about sticking it to the man..5. 101 DALMATIONS: This is a show about a crazy fur obsessed hag who is collecting mass quantities of baby dog to KILL, SKIN, & make a coat with there hides?? She is like the female Hannibal Lector.. only WAAAY worst cause we're talking about puppies!!! once again you NEVER kill the dog (or dogS in this scenario) .. plus don't even get me started on her coif, i mean really.. CHUNKY black & white dyke do on that complexion?? sorry Cruella darling but you're just not a summer
6. GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE: one of our all time faves!! (sidenote: we've even passed down our love of it to our offspring.. they totally dig Basil of Baker Street) however we just recently stumbled upon what qualifies it for this blog post.. more accurately Coley discovered this.. it was a few months ago & she was watching it for about the millionth time that day (Gabe really REALLY likes it) & when Rattigan is singing about his latest scheme & then his merry band of misfits join in with ..'even meaner? you mean it? WORST THAN THE ORPHANS & WIDOWS WE DROWNED?'..wha?? whaaaa?? holy darkness!! i think my soul just. died. a little bit! & then at the end where Rattigan WERERODENTS out? Ya RatHulk used to scare the poop out of me.. suitable for child audiences..*scoff*
7. ANASTASIA: if you ever paid any attention to your History teachers, you know A's background, & you know that Fox had it's work cut out for them to make this a family friendly jam.. which they were mostly able to accomplish.. who am i kidding?? the entire film was centered around one big satanic shit-show.. (but Demetri was as smoking hot as an animated dude could be).. anyways the antagonist, Rasputin (dead ringer for Al Pacino/Brian David Mitchell hybrid), who in the first 5 minutes sells his SOUL to SATAN!! (it literally animates that out) & then MURDERS her whole family (minus herself & her grams obvi)..in cold blood(like really cold it's set in Russia) ya PG rated my friends!! then it skips forward 18 years & Rasputin just spends the rest of the feature trying to end Anastasia! he is in lamans term, a serial killer, & did i mention he's a rotting corpse serial killer that is like graphically SMOTE in the end by pure evil?? although to be fair you must applaud his lazer-like focus & determination..plus lets not forget to mention catchy toe-tapping musical numbers
8. CHARLOTTES WEB: The whole time the pig is on the brink of being butchered (try saying that 5 times faster).. & then he's saved from the cold clutches of death by a literate spider with surprisingly good webmanship.. who heart-wrenchingly DIES (i know, who ever thought anyone would be sad to see an arachnid croak?) in the end from exhausting herself in efforts that saved the wee little porker.. you finish the movie & it feels kinda like a facebook fight.. even if you win, you still lose..
9. PINNOCHIO: I wasn't sure about Pinnochio's validity on this blog until Phil broke it down for me at lunch, & i saw the light.. er, well.. opposite.. of.. light.. K think what this movie is centered around.. An old man makes a boy!! YA!!.. now you may be willing to argue with me that perhaps he was just lonely?? in which case i would point out, 'If dude was really that lonely he could have made himself an age appropro female companion'.. instead he made himself a little boy DOLL! then there is the Pleasure Island (??? ...????) , like unto Sodom & Ghamora, where all the little kids turn into donkeys & are sold to work in salt mines?? creeptastic, no??
10. SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFES: SW's stepmom, Evil Queen (probably a family name??) is SUUUUPER jelly of SW..(for obvious reasons.. NOT.. easily the most doggish DISprincess.. & they have not one but TWO gingas!! how's that for a below the belt blow to the ole' ego?) So she immediately sets out to murder her stepdaughter in cold blood (cause isn't that the best way to resolve family issues??) but NO! Snowy escapes into the woods & happens upon a midget colony, where she decides to set up residency & bake pies (with exaggerated ease mind you) & serenade woodland creatures till her hearts content.. happy ever after, the end.. NAAAHT!! ole Evil disguises herself as a very believable old crone & hunts SW down & gives her a poisoned apple.. first things first, who accepts fruit from random old hags that look like death warmed over?? albino-esque soprano's apparently.. so SW eats the apple.. DIES! & a full fledged fur RIOT ensues!! Snowy's vertically challenged/animal posse chase the ole bitch up to the top of a cliff, where she accidentally?? commits suicide, by means of a huge boulder smushing her like she was fist-pumping trash on an episode of Jersey Shore..
11. BLACK CAULDRON- well besides the WHOLE damn movie (which scored Disney its first PG rating), where do i start.. ok so there is this Horned King (kinda looks like Judy Dench after she's been on a 2 week bender)
12. HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - Judge Frollo (bad guy) in the first 5 minutes has killed a gypsy woman & is about to throw her deformed infant down a well when a priest stops him.. so he leaves the baby (that he named Quasimodo which means half-formed) at the church (Notre Dame) where it stays locked in the bell towers cause he's very unattractive?? anyways ugly kid grows up.. now ole' Frollo is extremely self-righteous & even more so prejudiced against gypsy's.. yet he wants to coheres a (turns out to be 15yr old..(gross, gross, & I submit even more gross))Gypsy dancer Esmeralda into being his glorified prostitute??.. weird.. anyways she is not interesting in any part of his goodie basket, so he gets upset (maybe the understatement of the year.. at least the month), she goes into hiding, he burns down 1/2 of Paris trying to find her.. Quasi helps her out a lot.. eventually she is caught & he goes to burn. her. ALIVE (apparently he was still a little butthurt over the rejection) BUT Quasi saves her life.. then him and Frollo scuffle on the roof & eventually Frollo falls to his death in a most terrifying manner that is symbolically, more or less, saying he's been damned to hell.. serves his self righteous ass right
13. ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN: the main character Charlie (a dog) DIES at the beginning..& goes to heaven.. but finds a way back to earth with the help of a magic pocket watch?? once there he starts up a gambling ring & extorts a little girls ability to talk to animals (which gives him a leg up when making bets at the racetrack).. he recruits her help with (false) promises that he will find her a family (which he of course has no intention of doing) & through lies & bad decisions she catches pneumonia & it wipes out all of her strength so at the end she almost drowns BUT Charlie (doing his only decent act the entire movie) decides to save her, therefore sacrificing himself.. boo.. but it's okay cause like the title says 'All dogs go to Heaven'.. in the sequel (aptly named 'All Dogs Go To Heaven 2') we find out that while our canine compadres are paradise bound after they bite the big one, our furry feline friends are not in for such an afterlife treat seeing as they all go to HELL! no really.. they made a cat the devil.. have you no decency!?!?.
14. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Coley was adamant this one make the cut.. she felt that the villagers actions at the end of the film a bit extreme.. Like, most the show they don't even know the Beast exists & then as soon as they become aware of his persons they go all angry mob on him, fully armed with torches & pitchforks.. it really escalated too quickly.. all the sudden it was BAM! 'KILL THE BEAST!' not 'LETS SEE IF HE'LL MOVE!' or 'LETS TRY TO GET TO KNOW HIM, MAYBE HE'S A NICE GUY!' or 'HE'S NEVER BOTHERED US BEFORE MAYBE WE'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS'.. they were an unjust lynch mob to say the least.. but it's okay cause they get a serious beat down courtesy of random enchanted household objects/appliances.. double plus bonus, the Lead Douchelord Gaston, attempts to cheap shot (cheap stab?? cheap maim?? .. no that doesn't sound right) the beast by trying to take him from behind (okay.. that sounds even worse) but his balance is shotty & he falls to his DOOM.. oh but *happy dance* the beast turns back into a very monochromatic boy.. man?? manboy.. the end
0 comments:
Post a Comment