Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes..

Since becoming a Mom:

1. I can now perform almost all everyday functions with one arm.. i'm like a slightly more able bodied Captain Hook.. or Bethany Hamilton.. too soon??

2. I can drown out almost any noise.. be it talking, a baby crying, the apocalypse.. with the skill of a dude watching the Super Bowl

3. Hygiene schmygiene.. if I get a bath in a week i'm doing good.. not quite to the semi-annual baths of our pioneer ancestors past... but i'm getting pretty damn close

4. I make hobo's look good.. I wear the same sweats.. for DAYS.. sometimes the worst part of my day is when I have to pull out my dressy leisure clothes for trips to town..

5. Speaking of those little field  trips, my now dressed up public façade usually falls into the realm of butch.. i'm not talking Portia DeGeneres.. i'm talking straight up Rosie O'Donnell.. woof

6. I will always, at all times, have some sort of baby residue on my person at all times.. be it drool, snot, boogers, food, spit up, POOP.. I have pretty much given up looking chic & smelling any sort of decent

7. While were on the subject of how good i DON'T look on any given day let's address my hair.. which is always up in a top knot (not the good looking ones mind you, the one's that look like turds), back in a clip (ala 90's teenager), or back in a slicked ponytail like the greasiest of mob bosses..

8. Clean up in aisle 5..Blow outs are now part of my life.. & when it rains it POURS.. poop.. but I can now rectify the situation & produce a semi-clean, non poopy, freshly dressed infant in warp speed (my fingers now have the accuracy & dexterity of Chopin).. & with the grace of Julie Andrews to boot ;)

9. I now have a self induced speech impediment..hims brings out my backwoodsy grammar oblivious alter ego..

10. Welcome to the gun show.. toting around 16-24 pounds of squirming wiggly weight all day everyday (& i'm not referring to my butt) will give you some serious pythons.. or at least really big garter snakes..

11. I can push & corner a stroller with the speed & agility of a Jamaican bobsled team..
 '1,2,3 *toot* who's the captain of our crew, who's a friend to me & you, kinda nice good looking too, Sanka Sanka yay Sanka'.....
...'who's the big hot bag of air, who doesn't wash or comb his hair, who doesn't bathe & doesn't care, Sanka Sanka yay SANKA!'

12. Lastly.. I can change a baby butt almost anywhere.. on the run, on the go.. you name the time & place & i'll be there to give you a clean, fresh diapered, rear end.. i now wipe other butts more than i wipe my own