you da real mvp

I don't know how to be a mother. I've sat & stared at this computer screen for God knows HOW long trying to find some variation & formation of words that would make this post seem less horrendous. I could find none. I say none of this lightly, so i'll just come out & say it. I have an acute inability to mom.

I figured I'd be able to change. That nature would kick in eventually & my mothering instincts would kick on at full blast. And they never did. I can still remember that moment that Asher was born. I heard his cries & I  remember I felt something BUT it wasn't that incredible bond that other people had spoken about. It was like hearing Gabes or Carolines or Nicos cries for the first time. I loved him with all that I had & then some, I would kill, with my bare hands, for this child withOUT a second thought, I recognized how special & wonder & precious this tiny new baby was, but I KNEW even then something was off. Something inside of me wasn't right.

I was so disappointed in myself. I had been hoping throughout my pregnancy that I was wrong. That something inside me would shift & I'd be able to love my baby in the right way that would allow me to be the mother he deserved. I was wrong.

I take care of people. Its what I've always done. I have all these skills & it seems like the very best of them revolve around motherhood. Yet I can't mother to save my life. It is the most frustrating thing I've ever dealt with. It's like a was meant to mother things YET I can't actually be a mother in & of itself. I've always excelled at caring for YET lack severely at loving things. I don't know how to love in the correct way. I have so much love in me for so many people & things in my life & I have no idea how to show it OR what to do with it.

Thankfully God knew that I would be different & somewhat broken. So he made sure when he made me that I would have a Coley.

Coley is the mother I could never be & then some. She is the one that is there to comfort Asher when he has bad dreams. She is the one that bears the brunt of his killer aim & ability to throw shit at an accelerated velocity whenever he's having a bad day. She's the one that holds him when he's sick. Who gets him ready & takes him to Church. She's the one that takes him to the doctors. Who got him a cat even though she hates the filthy creatures.

Who reads him stories. Who hangs her head over the crib for hours so he can play with her hair while he falls asleep. Who builds up his tiny confidence. Who lets him be little. Who sneaks him 'kinka (pink) milk'. She is the one that watches his favorite movies over & over & over again to the point that she could single handedly put on a verbatim one woman play if ever necessary. She is Asher's biggest hype man & strictest security detail. (you do NOT mess with her babies). She's the one who is there when I'm not.

She pops out babies like its solely HER mission to repopulate an already populated planet, but she is a good enough mom to do it. While I love my Ashcat with everything that I have. SHE loves Ashy in the way he deserves to be loved. In the way that he needs to be loved. Even on her worst day she is a better mom then I could ever hope to be.

And I know that I haven't said thank you to her, not nearly enough, for the sacrifice she's making on behalf of my shortcomings. Coley is the mother that I couldn't be. She's the mother that I always wanted my Asher to have. Every wonderful & spectacular thing that my beautiful perfect Asher WILL be, he will owe to his Mom. His beautiful MomCole.

 

Once go BLACK you never go BACK

Thanksgiving is one of my most favorite holidays. Ever. Sure I get overly stressed out/turn into an alpha kitchen wench. But I still dig it. It's like a less hyped up Christmas. You still get to spend time with your family MINUS the stress of presents. Because gifts are the bane of my existence. I LOVE giving them. Ask anyone, i'm that awkward person that if I hear a friend of a friend of an associate say they have a slight hankering for a Snickers, next time I see that distantly acquainted person I will be there, creepy grinning with a Snickers bar in tow. HOWEVER if I have to come up with a gift idea seemingly out of thin air, I stress almost to the point of ulcers.

So THAT is why thanksgiving is pretty much the kitties titties in my book. LATELY though douchebag corporation giants are trying to cock block turkey day by starting BLACK FRIDAY on a THURSDAY. I know, it doesn't make sense. I've taken to calling it Brown Thursday. Cause it's a shitty thing to pull. This year we had stores opening as early as 3p on  Thanksgiving. .We generally don't even start eating until at least 4p. I can't lie, I HAVE participated in Brown Thursday. But when it started at 8p. & even then it felt awfully premature.

This year I decided to participate in Black Friday ON Black Friday. It was awful. Most anything worth braving the mass crowds of the general public for, was already sold out. Leaving us that chose to WAIT until the designated day, to pick over the scraps of door busters long since busted. If I sound bitter & butt hurt, it's because I am. I really am. Generally I try to get ready for this retail blood bath SINCE it is proven FACT that people tend to be nicer to people if they look prettier. We suck, we're all super shallow, MOVING ON. This year I threw caution & cover-up to the wind & went looking like Sadness. Both figuratively & literally (if you've seen Inside Out; Sadness is my dopple-ganger *holla).

Plainly put, today I was a mean, MEAN bum. Next year, i'll be once again busting out the falsies & contouring my face to chiseled war paint perfection.. They really are an unorthodox confidence boost when you're having to risk life & limb to find your Aunt all the pairs of size 10 $19.99 doorbuster boots. It seemed like SUCH an easy task,  who else even has feet that large? Cake walk, right? Until I was wrestling over 'big-foot-boxes' with the largest herd of Cholas I've ever seen in my entire life. Not joking.

For the record, I got those boots. Every damn pair.

This year I was able to make out with some modest savings. Found some decent deals. NOT my best work. In all honesty I'm not exceptionally proud of what I did today. BUT I am hoping Cyber Monday will bring me better luck. Chances are already lookig good as I won't technically have to deal with any 'people'. Hallelujiah. It really is the little things.

take a hike//

I've had the opportunity to hike EVERY weekend in November. Can I just say I LOVE November in Utah?? I love November in Utah. You could never pull this off in Wyoming.

I'm about as outdoorsy & sturdy as a chiuhuahua BUT I have always loved hiking! I'm never the most prepared so it helps to have a hiking buddy that is always OVER prepared. Or just the right amount of prepared?? I tend to make fun of him for all the extra precautions & excess amounts of weather appropriate apparel he brings along AND then I always end up eating my words later.

Plainly put I should probably die on the side of the mountain due to exposure to the elements EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But my boy scout always makes sure I'm taken care of. It's pretty great. The best part is he does it in a nice way that lets me know ' we're both are aware that you're not very good at this outdoorsy stuff BUT it's okay, I got you'. He even undertook taking me AND the Ashcat on a hike// ended up carrying Asher for 90% of it// even wiped his runny grubby little nose.

pretty great, right? Right.

 

So far I've done; Ghost Falls, Desolation Peak, & The Living Room. Yesterday was the first time I did a hike by myself & it was easily the least best one I've done so far. Sure I HAD Adele & Biebs to cheer me up the mountain. BUT I wore entirely too many layers + packed skittles +  NO water..

 

The view was AMAZEBALLS. The dehydration NOT so much. I've always thought of myself as a seemingly & mostly competent person who was proficient at adulting. Yesterday I was able to cover the basics, such as I got my ass up the mountain, HOWEVER that being said, it really proved how much better life is when you have a handy dandy hiking buddy to get up the mountain & take in the views with.

And now a vain photo montage.. Cause my handy dandy hiking buddy makes for a pretty great view.

He was nervous about the dog going out there. Obviously not about me though. #priorities

#kidding

some random couple told me to do the Titanic pose. lets call this half mast.

just a boy & his dog..

a boy & his dog::pt 2.

 

HAHAHA joke

 

whelp that's about it!!

 

ames out

 

 

NovemBRRRRR!!!

FALLaLaLaLa-FALLALEJIAH!!! Fall is by far my best jam, seasonally speaking.

September still has a hint of summer to it. Once October hits, Fall really takes stride. And by November you can only find subtle traces of Autumn. Don't get me wrong though, I love November. The holiday season is in a wind up before going into full swing right around Thanksgiving. Christmas lights are starting to peak out. Trees are still putting themselves to sleep for the long winter ahead. It's truly fabulous.

What is not so fabulous is how damn cold it is. All the time. It's the 18th day of this the 11th month & I'm pretty sure that my hands haven't felt NOT post-mortem since mid October.

Today, under obvious circumstances, I found myself asking my frigid conflicted soul a question. 'Is it worst to have to sit on a cold toilet seat?? Or to find your ass on a THROUGHLY warmed over porcelain throne, for obvious & equally disturbing reasons??' Do you appreciate the fact that someone unknowingly took the time to sit there BARE ASS & all for an extended period

 SO LONG in fact that their hind end was able to warm up a frozen over November toilet seat?? And that YOU had to use the facilities in such a close timed proximity that you can still, very literally, FEEL their presence?? Congratulations; you get to enjoy a relatively toasty YET extremely off putting trip to the lou! But is it worth it?? Do you appreciate the fact that said persons butt bugs are extremely warm & inviting?? Ya me neither.

I just want my ice cold crapper back. Where I can lie to myself & tell myself that IM THE ONLY ONE for it.

Basically it's cold. The world feels like an ice cube. And I can dig it. As long as my toilet seats remain as frigid & SEEMINGLY barren as my own heart & I'm taking in the wonderful frozen world from inside a warm hospitable environment that is impervious to any outside elements. 

So one more time, IN CASE you didn't get it, let me reiterate so there is ZERO misunderstanding. Toilet seats; I want those to feel as consistantly cold & as dead as my hands.

always..

& scene..

Now here are some pictures of cats.. because YAY!!! FELINES!!!

& a cow kicker for Lyv cause she has a weird obsession with our bovine counterparts.

it's not you, it's me.

Let me start this by saying my personal experience with ''relationships'' is limited.. i'll be the first to admit to the fact that I am NO T--Swizzle & have not done a whole lot of firsthand research. As I DON'T count month long high school boyfriends & torrid summer flings. However that being said I was born with a LOT of God given common sense (I can hear the nay-saying groans from my peanut gallery (aka mi familia) as I write this.. come on guys.. i'm like super smart) Anyways take my reasonable amounts of brain power & add to it that & I was raised to value myself, all by MYself, without any other SELFS added to the mix for added validation & you will get the following equation.. I AM AN 8 COW WOMAN

Sure I make most hobo's look good on a consistent basis, my language sometimes ventures into sailor territory, my taste in tv programing is somewhat questionable (desperate housewifes IS life), I wear stretchy pants daily/forget to put deodorant on at about that same frequency. I have phases where I'm overly dependent on dry shampoo. My dance moves more resemble a seizure or Napoleon Dynamite than anything else. I like to pee with the door open. I laugh when bad things happen AND at the most inconvenient & inappropriate times (if you're dog dies don't tell me.. i'll probably just creepy smile at you). I overly love the feline population ALMOST to that point that its weird. I cannot make hash browns to save my life (gelatinous potato flavored goop that ONCE resembled an actual food is more up my alley). I sweat, I burp, I fart, I pick my nose when I'm deep in thought,  I am about as social as a ceiling fan, & as awkward as a potato.

I am fatally & unquestionably HUMAN. I am painfully self aware & gratefully so. Any bad thing anyone thinks of me I promise I have already thought it of myself.  It has taken me a long LOOONG time (quarter of a century folks) but I now know that inspite of all the ME that I have going on I am undoubtably & without question an 8 bovine female. Granted the shape that my cows are in, is at times, questionable. I will be the first to admit I'm not the most avid 'cattle rancher' so to speak ALL the time.. However while the overall appearance & moral of my herd varies, the worth remains the same.  And while my Johnny Lingo has yet to come a calling I guarantee.. okay, okay..  I DESPERATELY hope, that he will be able to look at me & see past all of my twisted, ugly, dark parts & decide that I am worth more than a single hamburger patty.

I grew up in a relatively small town in Wyoming. A predominantly LDS community. WHICH ps I am NOT dogging. I'm just giving some background. With this upbringing came a culture, within which it was fully acceptable & NORMAL, for girls to be married shortly after high school with the majority being married by or whereabouts the age of 20. Many people grow up, date, marry, live, & die MOSTLY within the confines of this Valley. I say MOSTLY because some WILL venture outside the south & north ends for a spell before ultimately coming back 'home'. Throughout my childhood I just assumed I would meet my sweetheart, he'd leave on a mish while i'd finish high school (he'd be older, of course), he'd come home, we'd wed & a month or so into wedded bliss i'd be super up the spout, yada yada yada..

I honest to God thought that was the natural order & way of things. Theeeeeeen I grew up. Literally the ONLY part I day dreamt up correctly was that I DID in fact graduate high school (I know congratu-freakin-lations even Forrest Gump pulled that off.

PEAS & CARROTS!!) &&& I was super up the spout for a time.. Looking back now I am so glad that I was so bass ackwards. Speaking strictly for MYSELF the older I've gotten the more I've learned about myself. Also the more I'm convinced I'd be in a penitentiary had I married young cause guarantee I would have married a complete douchebag & smothered him in his sleep before our first wedding anniversary. Thankfully my taste has gotten markedly better. Mostly. Once again, fatally human being here. More importantly, or MOST importantly I know WHAT I DESERVE. Its sad & scary to admit, but I know I would have settled for the single hamburger patty. 

At this point I'm happy to wait for MY right person. I've made it this far alone & I ain't hitching my wagon to JUST anyone. Unless I hit 40.. Then i'll marry Lloyd Baker. I've been able to grow & progress in ways that I know I wouldn't have been able to do any other way but alone. I've been able to figure out what I want out of life & what kind of a person I want/NEED beside me (a saint.. nothing less than the most forgiving & patient person on the planet).. YES! It WILL be exciting to see how much I can grow WITH my person BUT I don't think i'll view any time spent before them as time wasted. In the time I've had to myself, I've been able to make my wagon hitchable. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN WITH STELLAR WAGONS. Some people have janky handcarts. Personally mine has taken time. So I'm glad I've made it to a quarter century by myself. I'm glad I've been able to be on the outside looking in. Granted at times I remember going through periods of life like 'WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?? ITS NOT THAT HARD. JUST PICK ONE!'

 

I was wrong. SO WRONG. It IS that hard. It's supposed to be. UNTIL you find THE ONE. And even then it's still so damn HARD. It has to be. It is meant to be that much of a struggle & an uphill battle to find YOUR person. So that you can appreciate them FOR BEING THEM & FOR FINDING THEM. Because while the road will level out for periods of time it will ALWAYS be uphill & you NEED to have that person beside you to help you get up that damn hill. And you HAVE to love them enough, even more than you love yourself I reckon, not to just ditch them on the side of the road. IT IS ONLY GREAT BECAUSE IT IS HARD.

So regardless if your life has roughly followed my initial draft that my young mind day dreamt up (when I wasn't paying attention in math class) OR yours more mirrors the stark reality that my life has thus-far played out to be. Whether your road is long or short, bumpy or smooth, if you've already found your traveling companion or are still strolling it solo. ITS ALL OKAY. Regardless of where you're at in life just ALWAYS have in mind that you are worth it & keep moving forward!!!

Remember that it IS you & it's okay to admit it. You are worth ALL 8 COWS!! And you are doing JUST FINE, so puff out that 8 cow chest, put a smile on that 8 cow face & KEEP GOING.  After all;

^ps.. its not (unknown) it's (John Lennon)..

 

& scene.

** forgive my scattered, cheer-leady, HEAVILY METAPHORIC feelings. I'm a glass case of emotion, my baby maker is angry, & I just want to mainline peanut m&m's..

::WHAT A MOTHER::

First:: Let me just say that i'm pretty sure I think in rants. I don't even know if I could help my verbally lengthy (seemingly angry) thought process if I tried. But lesbi-honest here, I probably wont try. Also, I don't view myself as an inherently angry person persay. I'm just incredibly passionate about weird things. So know that most of what I say, I say with well not love (cause that's not my style) but lets say with some degree of oddly placed affection.

This is something that's been on my thinker for a while & while I anticipate it to be slightly controversial at best i'm still going to say it. Naturally. So here I go up on-top of my soap box. Please don't shoot me.

Pregnancy is not that hard (I can hear the shanks being sharpened) BUT really NOT in the impossible way that I feel like women make it seem. I'm sorry BUT its literally WHAT we were built for. Amongst other things, like we aren't JUST glorified baby builders, BUT kind of. I will admit it's uncomfortable. You're growing another human being. Your pelvic bones are literally spreading so you can push a watermelon out of something that is generally the size of a lime. Your boobs are heavy & sore. Physically its taxing. BUT its doable.  I mean I've never heard of someone DYING from being preggers. To clarify, I have hard of women dying from complications due to pregnancy & from labor (which is a natural & imminent side effect of pregnancy) but NEVER just flat out expiring from being knocked up.

Certain peoples bodies RESPOND better to growing another human being than others. I feel like I was built to grow babies. My sister on the other hand, is easily one of the best mothers I've ever met, but she sucks at pregnancy. She does. Her first pregnancy was so taxing that not even anti-nausea medication could keep her from being hospitalized multiple times during the ENTIRE 9 months for dehydration due to throwing up so violently & frequently. It was literally like she was possessed. The sounds we witnessed coming from the bathroom were truly scarring. She also had polyhydramnios, which caused her to gain 45lbs of excess water on TOP of the 40 lbs she just gained by naturally being up the spout. 85 lbs folks & so much amniotic fluid her skin was like memory foam) They had to induce her a week early just because her skin could literally stretch no further. By the time she left the hospital after 2 days she had already lost 35 lbs of pure fluid. 

(this was her ankle a few days AFTER childbirth.. her skin was still memory foam.. that's a dog pawprint.. taken roughly 3 minutes AFTER he stepped on her leg.)

 

She had about as horrible a pregnancy, with the exception of those that end in stillbirth, that anyone could have I shit you not. She's now 26 weeks into pregnancy #3. She's still pretty terrible at it but she NEVER bitches about her babies.

Why?? Because its never ANYthing that ought to be complained about. I'm sorry but pregnancy is generally a choice. Even in unexpected instances. I never planned on getting knocked up BUT by choosing to be sexually active I knew that it was a possibility I was technically CHOOSING to maybe live with. The babies that we bear don't ASK to be born. They never ASK for us to get pregnant. THEY OWE US NOTHING!! THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL!! WE SHOULDN'T BLAME ANY OF OUR PHYSICAL WOES ON THEM!! We CHOOSE to bring them here. Pregnancy is how we do that. It's kinda been happening for a couple thousand years I think by now we should have ALL caught on.

(don't worry about the weight gain. it's normal & healthy to gain on average 35 lbs. It's not like you're going to just keep being pregnant forever.. also if you naturally don't gain the recommended weight as long as you're healthy that's all that matters)

It is incredible what we women are able to do. Pregnancy & childbirth are truly awe-inspiring. I mean the stork method would have worked out too if that's the route God had chosen to take. But being able to bear children is nothing short of amazing. Labor sucks. But its still admittedly really friggin cool.

To the women who get pregnant & choose to continue to upkeep there hard-living life styles while pregnant:: I.E. smoking, drinking, hot tubbing, ect. Grow the f*** up.  There is NO excuse. I don't care how much 'you don't want to be pregnant' & 'just can't handle it' STOP being so damn selfish. It is 9 months of your life & if you can't keep your shit together for even 9 months then please, for the love of God, find that baby a better situation. 9 months of your life. NOT EVEN A FULL YEAR & you are making decisions  that will affect someone else for the rest of their lives. I was there. I was terrified. Absolutely scared shitless when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to get away from it all. So I remember that. I feel for anyone that has to go through that BUT honestly get over it. Motherhood & selfishness cannot exist together. Since you already, in a round about way, chose motherhood.. guess which one needs the boot..

Think of what we are complaining about? What if the one thing that as a woman you should be able to do you couldn't? Think of all the women that would kill (like literally cold blooded murder with their bare hands) to be able to go through childbearing. 

Infertility is such a heartbreaking & emotionally draining thing. It can be just as hard to NOT have a baby as it is to HAVE one. Just in different ways. Also, consider all the women who are at the point in their lifes where they are dying to be in a position where they can start their own family. Think of the heartbreak they feel yearning every single day over something you mock by claiming it to be such a horrible inconvenience. Pregnancy is NOT ABOUT US. It is ALL ABOUT THEM. I am so grateful that I was able to bring my Ashcat into this world. I would live in that pregnant body, with 'dat ass' & all the side-effects that went with it, everyday for the rest of my LIFE if that was required for him to be here. 

In closing. Pregnancy is lovely & miraculous. Pregnancy is not a burden. Pregnancy is a blessing. It should be viewed as such.

&&& scene. Ames out.


PS, to all you knocked up ladies out there. Don't shank me. I had to say it.

PSS. On the flipside motherhood is friggin tough. Mad props to all the mothas in the place.

Your letters are about as heartwarming and personal as a coupon

randomely decided to look into my sent e-mail folder && this little gemstone I sent to Ben on October 5, 2013.. i'm posting it because it fully illustrates just how my mind works, thinks, && jumps around from thought to thought with no regard for where it came from or where it's going..

 

 enjoy, ya?? 

 

 

PS that was my actual header to this letter.. my brother=the warm fuzzy feel goods, always

 

dear elder faggot,

 

so yesterday was homecoming.. kind of.. due to the government shutdown ALL national parks are closed so it was difficult for Powell to make it here?? not the team of course but the 12 fans that are going to show up.. so they postponed the game from yesterday at 4:00 to today at 2:00.. so yesterday was a lot of homecoming MINUS the homecoming game.. which is the whole reason we have a homecoming?? whatev's I ain't in high school.. so Rainey was Jr. Attendant so yesterday morning was devoted to getting her ready for the assembly/parade/but not for the game.. this whole last week was pretty busy for me in the salon.. Brooke had clients too but EVERYone wanted nail sets I swear.. so my brain cell count is pretty depleted after this fume-filled week.. I just had to bathe the kitten & let me tell you it was a LABOR of LOVE!! she had BODAGGITS! & guess who got to pick them off.. WOOF!! she is decidedly NOT Lyv's cat, she's is the babies cat cause THEIR MOMS are the reason that cat is still kickin it.. Did you get the picture I sent explaining her name?? Butterface, butters for short.. cause she's super cute, butterface ;) clever no?? this morning I FORCED her to start to learn to drink milk from a dish, cause me & cole are SICK of having to feed her with a bottle all thru the day & night.. We watched The Great Gatsby last night.. it was a super well made film.. (it was Baz Lhurman, who directed Moulin Rouge/Australia so it was in that style) & it was super well acted BUT my hell it's just a shitty stinkin story!! like who decides to write depressing crap like that?? Some Fitzgerald dude apparently.. so all in all it was kinda a bust.. idk if you would want to waste your time watching it.. Conference today!! which means?? CONFERENCE BREAKFAST. you sir missed out!! I made pancakes! IN cool shapes even, that WEREN'T just circles, mom did hashbrowns, bacon (real & pork), & eggs with orange juice.. We only doubled the pancakes cause you weren't here.. (Mudd ate 6 herself, Phil had 10 pancakes, 3 cups OJ, 6 cups milk, 2 eggs, 2 sizable hashbrown servings, & 4 pieces bacon.. Coley has an apt with Dr. Milleson on Monday otherwise she would have eaten him under the table! BUT she doesn't want to get chastised for weight gain..) Gabe ate some pancakes himself.. he now sits in a high chair & MOSTly feeds himself. It is a beautiful thing. Lyv looked super pretty last night.. so me & Phil decided that Austin is not necessarily a bad looking kid it's just his face happens on only 30% of his head.. which strongly resembles a bucket.. Asher's teeth are SOOO sooo sharp.. we have to be very watchful when the kitten is out cause Ashcat has a knack for throwing her around by her many & various apendages.. It's now 1:30 & dad is getting up to go to the homecoming game.. he hadn't slept in like 36 hours & he got like a 3 hr. nap in.. he works too hard & too much.. he was sleeping with Ash for a while & they were both snoring.. it was like a choir.. dad was the tenor & asher the star soprano.. then ash woke up & dad started puffing.. Ash is now rolling around & panting like a dog.. pretty regular occurance in all actuality.. so phil was sick, got brooke sick, who got ash sick, who got grama sick, who now has gotten me sick.. it feels like I've been snorting chlorine.. & everything, EVERYTHING tastes like snot.. so really the last few days when I've been eating mostly for textures.. I should just stick to eating air cause it's less calories?? Lyv was worried about not fitting into her dress & her fool-proof plan was going to be copious amounts of laxatives the day before.. I obvi talked her out of it.. in hindsight though I maybe should have let her 1 or 2.. Jean went to see her daughter this week so we need to make sure we go see Bob & feed him this week.. Asher is now 19 &1/2 lbs..Informercials can suck muh wang.. we've had topgear, conference & informercials on the tube today.. *pantomime gun shot to right temple* coley is ALMOST to 30 weeks knocked up.. which is exciting no?? So I know that I am now rambling.. & I actually really REALLY need to take a anp BUT brooke wants the computer to watch Teen Mom 3.. which I don't have a prob with .. but I don't want her to have it.. for whatever reason.. so all I have to do is hold out like say 10 more minutes.. cause then she'd only have 5 minutes to watch TM3  before afternoon sesh & lesbi honest it wouldn't be worth it.. does this make me a bad sister?? perhaps.. i'm now writing with one hand, laying down, in an effort to stretch this letter out..lugies too many lugies.. I don't even know if they have consessions at todays game?? fail.. i'm now just mostly pretending to click keys.. Brooke has the poops.. she blames my pancakes.. I blame the laxatives & probiotics.. ya well hope Portugal is sweet.. CTR dude. Remember who you are & what you stand for. Loves & airhugs

 

Love Ames & Ashcat

 

 

The Year of the Ashcat//Ash Wednesday

((AKA the best years of my life))

 

so.. let me start off by saying I was never someone who wanted children.. honestly, i'm about as maternal as a rock (I know shocking because I come off as such a warm & inviting individual.. *scoff) .. & I didn't plan on having kids for a long LONG time (if ever).. but then I disregarded ALL those horrendously awkward sex-ed videos from my public school era, that warned me about 'sex' & how it can have permanent & last side effects such as 'children' & wouldn't ya know it, they were right..

& he is the best side effect I've ever had (&& I know a damn thing about 'side-effects'.. I am the Poster Child for 'Murphy's Law.. if somethings going to happen to that 1% iiii am going to be that 1%)  don't get me wrong though it wasn't all cat purrs & chocolate milk.. the thought of ME having a CHILD terrified me & then to realize that I would be an M-O-M just about made me shit my pants.. I mean ya I was 22 (almost 23), had already gone through school, && had already read ALL the Harry Potters, but I mean even with that impressive resume, could IIIIIIIIIIII raise a semi-respectable member of society??? I don't know.. I still have my doubts & go through those days where i'm sure if my child had been solely reared by me he MIGHT have been the next Jeffry Domer..

^maternity pictures courtesy of :: KatyDid Photography^^

so as my child approach's his big TWO YEAR OLD milestone I can't help but gush.. (if you're sick of hearing about/seeing pictures of my kid NOW is the time to exit this blog post.. but I hate you & you're wrong).. I mean throughout combined efforts, that I've been a part of, a human being has been kept alive for almost TWO whole calendar years.. although he HAS done his best to thwart our efforts (over achiever + no regard for physical safety or wellbeing + the energy of an entire Rugby team in one tiny body = asher)

& while I NEVER saw my life taking quite this drastic of a turn of events I can't say I regret one minute of it.. now I DO regret how I spent my time leading up to my Ashy.. I wish I would have done more so I could be more & do more for him.. but you cant cry over spilled milk (unless it's breast milk.. then you just go ahead & sob)

alas here he is, & here I am & we're doing ok.. i'll ask my Coley all the time 'what did we do before babies??' & she'll say 'I have no idea but I know I had a TON more free time, I wasn't near this freakin tired, & thought I was a LOT busier than I was' & it's the truth.. I can't really remember what life was like before these tiny tyrants we call children came along but I honestly can say it wasn't anywhere near as important as my life now!

I have never actually written down his birth story so I figure I should get it down on paper, while it's still semi-fresh.. okay okay it's completely stale BUT the events of that day, like the pain of labor, will forever be scarred into my brain.. ONWARDS..

okay so 2 year ago today I was very, very pregnant right now.. i was in the home stretch, my dr's appts had graduated to 'weekly status', baby was running out of room, i was having a hard time finding enough room for myself in my own body, & i was ready to have a baby.. don't get me wrong I  LOVED being pregnant.. I never worried about the weight gain (35 'HEALTHY' pounds holla!!) ..Everytime i got weighed i left my coat &&& shoes on & said with gusto 'alright tell me how NOT thin i am'!!.. I never really was horribly uncomfortable.. it didn't slow me down.. & i only got 3 1/2 inch stretch marks above my belly button.. that totally fan out into like a crown which i have always attributed to my Little Prince 'branding me'.. which i oddly find heartwarming??

^taken 5 days before the GREAT PUSH whilst in early labor^

 

BUT anyways my body started into labor the entire week before I had him (normal, according to my doctor, since we THOUGHT i was 40 weeks.. that is another story)  & so 3 days into that I was OVER the contractions every 3 minutes & the constant pee breaks.. among other horrible unmentionable things.. (birth is just carnage.. pure bodily carnage) & I was convinced he was NEVER going to come out.. he was an incredibly lazy baby towards the end, like wouldn't move all day, (even when i fell down the stairs..) nothing fazed my 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' baby, && I think he really was just cozy all up in my uterus.. so even though I was TECHNICALLY in early labor my Dr. made the appointment to strip my membranes (she didn't want to use pitocin unless necessary) Tuesday the 5th due to the fact that it WAS my first baby & my body didn't know quite how to get the ball rolling & that I was measuring at//my ultrasounds were reading that I was mere days away from 41 weeks pregnant

^trying to jump this baby out 2 days prior^

oh & me & Gabey are matching fatties in our onsies

 so i'm supposed to have my membranes stripped that Tuesday at 11:30am & have my baby later that day.. Monday night comes, I eat some Jello & head to bed.. only I couldn't sleep.. I constantly was having contractions && I had to pee literally every 5 minutes.. so naturally i'm pissed cause I know I NEED my sleep cause tomorrow I was birthing a baby (oh how right I would turn out to be).. I ended up getting maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.. 4:45am comes & I feel like I have to get up & walk around.. so I go into the kitchen & BAM contraction!!  so i'm leaning on the island & I look up & staring at me through the laundry room door is Miss Kitty.. now I've been admitted & booted out of the hospital 3 times in the last week & that does NOT do good things for a preggers woman's moral.. so I look at my cat, delirious with pain, & verbally ask her.. 'MK, if this is really REALLY it, give me a sign.. any sign..' now this cat is the most fidgety vocal borderline-autistic feline in the history of ever & for the first, last, & only time in her life she did nothing.. NOTHING.. that damn cat didn't even blink.. I was so mad that if it didn't feel like lady parts were being repeatedly run over I probably would have marched right over to her & drop kicked her.. but my lady parts DID feel like they were being repeatedly run over so my spiteful cat lived to see many another day.. then at about 5:10am  I had the overwhelming feeling that I need to drop a deuce (I know. child birth is so cute) so my soul is a little crushed when I realize 'maybe all that i'm meant to birth tonight is a turd..' so I waddle my way to the bathroom sit down & nothing.. & then HOLY HELL a massive contraction hits me while i'm sitting on the can...

now I feel is a good time to tell you that I didn't go to any birthing classes.. knew nothing of controlling my breathing & what not.. so naturally i'm in a lot of pain & so I just stop breathing.. so now i'm on the pot with my pants down & i'm getting extremely light headed & I realize that if I pass out now, i'm going to fall off, & Ben who is just through the wall from the bathroom, will hear the thud & investigate & find me pants down, ass up, on the floor.. which A. no brother should have to see & B. I knew when Ben DID find me like that he was likely to leave me there & go back to bed.. so with that heartwarming scenario in mind I now was determined to get through this contraction & go get myself help WITH my pants on.. so the contraction ends, I re-oxygenate my body, & I book it for the stairs..

down down down the stairs I go (not too fast, dont need to fall down them again.. although it would have saved time) I reach the bottom, shuffle to the end of the hallway, open the door to my mom, turn on the light, & CONTRACTION.. so I hit the floor, on ALL fours, not saying anything, she pops up & chiperly ask's 'is it go-time?? okay let me go put my shoes' with WAY too much enthusiasm for me at that moment.. contraction ends & I open the door to my room (where Coley & Gabe are staying) they are both up & i am retarded amounts of hurt at the moment so I open the door peak my head in, then close the door.. then I repeat this process 5 more times before Coley finally asks (in a semi-non judgemental tone) 'soooooo... baby??/ I am finally able to gather my wits about me & respond 'we don't know but mom's gonna take me in then we'll see if it's another false alarm so we'll call you if it's for real' (surprisingly articulate considering the last 5 silent minutes of my life *backpat*)  Nicole declares 'NONSENSE we're already up so we're coming right now!!' so up she goes & I take this opportunity to draw on my eyebrows.. I was NOT bring a baby into this world with OUT eyebrows (it made sense to me at the time) then I waddle upstairs & put on my slippers, get through another contraction & then I waddle out to the car.

. my MOM goes literally 100mph on icy roads & gets me to the hospital in no more than 45 seconds.. I'm not kidding you.. my single request was 'DON'T JOSTLE ME!!'  we screech up to the ER & she throws it in park jumps out & eats it.. HARD.. on some black ice (& wouldn't you know it another contraction so I missed the excitement.. it's probably for the best.. I would have laughed & it would have hurt more) so they get me into L&D room 2 at around 5:45am.. & the nurse checks me & lo & behold i'm at a 5.. & i'm bipolar when i'm in labor pains.. I was yelling at people then apologizing profusely cause I was terrified they'd get mad & not give me the drugs.. (&& I was in full on junkie mode looking for that sweet spinal tap fix) .. so we're waiting for the anesthesiologist & they SAY they can give me other pain meds through my IV.. only they can't get a line it.. cause they kept blowing out my veins.. in both arms..  I WANT TO DIE.. (asher said 'OPEN SESAME' & my cervix did NOT skip a beat..

reading a Sports Illustrated.. trying to bring those good testosterone vibes into the room..

my contractions were hitting hard & heavy.. i have had no drugs.. i had made my peace with God//was willing myself to just. die. & hoped that Coley would recognize her role in all of this && would just slice me open & retrieve my baby, ala Twilight style..

 

35 minutes later, my drug dealer finally showed up, got the IV in with a needle literally the size of a basketball pump, & then sets about to giving me the goods.. & only numbed my right side.. HOWEVER they were able to check me now because i no longer had a death wish & TADA!! i was already fully at a 10.. so in less than 40 minutes i was OPEN for business..i'm telling you people i was made to birth babies.. & while i most definitely got that epidural for the pushing, i KNOW what dialating to a 10 feels like.. & it's not good.. so then we re-did my epidural again & now BOTH sides were numb & all was right in the world..

after that my Dr. showed up & asked how I was (awesome, flipping AWESOME) & then she said if I was good to sit for about an hour, to let the baby move down, she was gonna go check on patients.. now I have sisters that had to get ready for babies first photo-op so it just was best for everyone to wait a while before pushing.. so we chilled & painted face for about 1&1/2 hours then my Dr. came back & we set about getting the show on the road..

^^ first photo op with the goods)

Finally after about an hour of pushing (I felt like Greys Anatomy should have better prepared me for real time pushing) .. at 10:00 am, on March 5th, Asher Ames popped out an exceptionally healthy (albeit 4 FULL weeks premature.. He was born the day he turned 36 weeks.. I say this to fully illustrate what a TANK he would have been had he gone full term) 7lbs 11.5oz,

19'' long (short???) NO respiratory problems, scored an 8 on the APGAR, && MY was he a handsome new born.. I know MOST everybody say that, but my babes really was a good looking, straight out the womb

^^taken AS they handed him back to me only MNUTES old.. I know BABEin right?!?!^^

he was SUCH good baby.. he slept most the time.. only cried when he was hungry.. nursed like a champ,. & had no less than 10 dirty diapers a DAY! he had the farts of a full grown man..the only thing was he pretended to be deaf for 2 months.. like failed hearing tests.. didn't respond to noise.. just ignored us.. he was incredibly rude.. then he started smiling as SOON as the ruse was up.. he was just a little cuddle bug.. he NEVER cooed.. instead opting for zombie-esque grunts..

^moms little dock worker^

 Ben was the ONLY sibling not there for the birth.. he said 'I already watched my legitimate nephew come out I don't need to see your bastard be borned'.. he was mostly kidding;)

 

Great Grandma Peggy

MomCole loved the Tiny AshMan

Pop pop loves his manly little grandchildren

 Aunt Turtle

 are you my mother??

 

 Aunt SUGs (she was seriously considering stealing him in this moment..Brooke just has creepy baby snatching vibes)

 

basically he is the best thing that I have ever & will ever do.. & honestly I feel like he is to great for me to even take any credit.. he is so far beyond myself in every way.. I mean in looks he IS my mini-me, but in all the wonderful that he is, he is 100% self-made.. i'm so happy he chose to be a part of our loud crazy family & I can't wait for many many MANY more years of the Ashcat

^when he was 1 week old^

 

^mothers day in Hawaii// 2 months old^

 

^GIRL-OFF with brother-cousin Gabe^

 

^moms bad biker babe on a bike ride to see one of his favorite people, POP POP, at work^

 

^mustache MAY^

 

^First 4th of July in their homemade Merica belly shirts^

 

his Aunty Helen MADE him & Gabe CUSTOM speedo's for their first camping trip at Priest Lake ID

BEACH BABES

 



he hated watermelon?? WHAT!!! that was one of my biggest pregnancy cravings!!!

 

^first Halloween//Gabeoween.. Lucifer & Gus Gus^^

Coley MADE that costume from SCRATCH!!

 

Christmas 2013

 

WALKING at 9 months

 

He LOVES his Caylo sissy

 

 

^First birthday// the mustache bash^

 

\

on his FIRST CRUISE

(Asher has been to 4 Countries & 11 states)

 

^Being a sweet church go-er boy^

(he's finally gotten to only biting ONE kid in nursery.. that kid is Gabe)

First boat ride

^this is how we rode.. the entire time^

 

FIRST TUBE RIDE!!

 

^The END of that first tube ride^

(kidding)

 

^weekly family trips to the Tauphus Park Zoo//summer 2014^

 

Ashcats 2nd Halloween/GabeOween

(Shaggy & the Miner Forty-Niner)

 

ASHCAT OUT

 

Ps::happy ASH Wednesday

Pss:: ..we're not catholic..

Psss:: ..like at all..