it's not you, it's me.

Let me start this by saying my personal experience with ''relationships'' is limited.. i'll be the first to admit to the fact that I am NO T--Swizzle & have not done a whole lot of firsthand research. As I DON'T count month long high school boyfriends & torrid summer flings. However that being said I was born with a LOT of God given common sense (I can hear the nay-saying groans from my peanut gallery (aka mi familia) as I write this.. come on guys.. i'm like super smart) Anyways take my reasonable amounts of brain power & add to it that & I was raised to value myself, all by MYself, without any other SELFS added to the mix for added validation & you will get the following equation.. I AM AN 8 COW WOMAN

Sure I make most hobo's look good on a consistent basis, my language sometimes ventures into sailor territory, my taste in tv programing is somewhat questionable (desperate housewifes IS life), I wear stretchy pants daily/forget to put deodorant on at about that same frequency. I have phases where I'm overly dependent on dry shampoo. My dance moves more resemble a seizure or Napoleon Dynamite than anything else. I like to pee with the door open. I laugh when bad things happen AND at the most inconvenient & inappropriate times (if you're dog dies don't tell me.. i'll probably just creepy smile at you). I overly love the feline population ALMOST to that point that its weird. I cannot make hash browns to save my life (gelatinous potato flavored goop that ONCE resembled an actual food is more up my alley). I sweat, I burp, I fart, I pick my nose when I'm deep in thought,  I am about as social as a ceiling fan, & as awkward as a potato.

I am fatally & unquestionably HUMAN. I am painfully self aware & gratefully so. Any bad thing anyone thinks of me I promise I have already thought it of myself.  It has taken me a long LOOONG time (quarter of a century folks) but I now know that inspite of all the ME that I have going on I am undoubtably & without question an 8 bovine female. Granted the shape that my cows are in, is at times, questionable. I will be the first to admit I'm not the most avid 'cattle rancher' so to speak ALL the time.. However while the overall appearance & moral of my herd varies, the worth remains the same.  And while my Johnny Lingo has yet to come a calling I guarantee.. okay, okay..  I DESPERATELY hope, that he will be able to look at me & see past all of my twisted, ugly, dark parts & decide that I am worth more than a single hamburger patty.

I grew up in a relatively small town in Wyoming. A predominantly LDS community. WHICH ps I am NOT dogging. I'm just giving some background. With this upbringing came a culture, within which it was fully acceptable & NORMAL, for girls to be married shortly after high school with the majority being married by or whereabouts the age of 20. Many people grow up, date, marry, live, & die MOSTLY within the confines of this Valley. I say MOSTLY because some WILL venture outside the south & north ends for a spell before ultimately coming back 'home'. Throughout my childhood I just assumed I would meet my sweetheart, he'd leave on a mish while i'd finish high school (he'd be older, of course), he'd come home, we'd wed & a month or so into wedded bliss i'd be super up the spout, yada yada yada..

I honest to God thought that was the natural order & way of things. Theeeeeeen I grew up. Literally the ONLY part I day dreamt up correctly was that I DID in fact graduate high school (I know congratu-freakin-lations even Forrest Gump pulled that off.

PEAS & CARROTS!!) &&& I was super up the spout for a time.. Looking back now I am so glad that I was so bass ackwards. Speaking strictly for MYSELF the older I've gotten the more I've learned about myself. Also the more I'm convinced I'd be in a penitentiary had I married young cause guarantee I would have married a complete douchebag & smothered him in his sleep before our first wedding anniversary. Thankfully my taste has gotten markedly better. Mostly. Once again, fatally human being here. More importantly, or MOST importantly I know WHAT I DESERVE. Its sad & scary to admit, but I know I would have settled for the single hamburger patty. 

At this point I'm happy to wait for MY right person. I've made it this far alone & I ain't hitching my wagon to JUST anyone. Unless I hit 40.. Then i'll marry Lloyd Baker. I've been able to grow & progress in ways that I know I wouldn't have been able to do any other way but alone. I've been able to figure out what I want out of life & what kind of a person I want/NEED beside me (a saint.. nothing less than the most forgiving & patient person on the planet).. YES! It WILL be exciting to see how much I can grow WITH my person BUT I don't think i'll view any time spent before them as time wasted. In the time I've had to myself, I've been able to make my wagon hitchable. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN WITH STELLAR WAGONS. Some people have janky handcarts. Personally mine has taken time. So I'm glad I've made it to a quarter century by myself. I'm glad I've been able to be on the outside looking in. Granted at times I remember going through periods of life like 'WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?? ITS NOT THAT HARD. JUST PICK ONE!'

 

I was wrong. SO WRONG. It IS that hard. It's supposed to be. UNTIL you find THE ONE. And even then it's still so damn HARD. It has to be. It is meant to be that much of a struggle & an uphill battle to find YOUR person. So that you can appreciate them FOR BEING THEM & FOR FINDING THEM. Because while the road will level out for periods of time it will ALWAYS be uphill & you NEED to have that person beside you to help you get up that damn hill. And you HAVE to love them enough, even more than you love yourself I reckon, not to just ditch them on the side of the road. IT IS ONLY GREAT BECAUSE IT IS HARD.

So regardless if your life has roughly followed my initial draft that my young mind day dreamt up (when I wasn't paying attention in math class) OR yours more mirrors the stark reality that my life has thus-far played out to be. Whether your road is long or short, bumpy or smooth, if you've already found your traveling companion or are still strolling it solo. ITS ALL OKAY. Regardless of where you're at in life just ALWAYS have in mind that you are worth it & keep moving forward!!!

Remember that it IS you & it's okay to admit it. You are worth ALL 8 COWS!! And you are doing JUST FINE, so puff out that 8 cow chest, put a smile on that 8 cow face & KEEP GOING.  After all;

^ps.. its not (unknown) it's (John Lennon)..

 

& scene.

** forgive my scattered, cheer-leady, HEAVILY METAPHORIC feelings. I'm a glass case of emotion, my baby maker is angry, & I just want to mainline peanut m&m's..