let me start this by making it known that this has been a LONG time coming.. i just have never taken the time to unjumble all my thoughts and put word to keyboard.. until now.. obviously..
its no secret that i'm a single mom.
anyone that knows me knows that i am a. not married & b. i do have a child (which is kinda the exact recipe needed to be a single momma.. weird) my Ashcat is 15 months old. i've never been ashamed of my situation or about how he came to be. people get pregnant everyday, whether or not it's planned, & if thats the worst thing i ever do, i'm doing alright.. now i admit, where sex was concerned, i was NOT smart & i was even LESS careful. i have always had very infrequent periods (gross i know.. so gross) many years i've only had 2-3 annually(i know life is rough) & it was assumed i wouldn't be able to get pregnant easily. that was always my fail safe. i was totally that stereotypical 'it won't happen to ME.' .. i was completely bass ackwards because it did happen.. obviously, i.e my ridiculously cute offspring..
as previously stated above i have never been ashamed of the outcome of my choices (unexpected pregnancy)..to be clear that doesn't mean i'm cavalier about this subject.. i was extremely disappointed in myself for not taking my God given ability to create life more seriously.. its not something that should be taken lightly, EVER, but it's also not anything to be embarrased about.. that being said i DID hide it from the general public for the majority of my pregnancy.. i only told immediate family & a few close friends (that i consider family) until i was 28 weeks along (or what the ultrasounds read as 28 weeks.. but that is an entirely other story in itself.. woof).. anyways i didn't share it with the world because i knew that the world would immediately look at me differently.. even though i was still the exact same person
(albeit a LOT more of the same person.. ass for days my friends.. ass. for. dayssssss)
i knew that i would no longer be as just viewed 'Amy'.. & that has been probably one of the most difficult things for me to deal with since this chapter started (damn near 2 years ago.. cray cray!)
as soon as people found out that i was pregnant, or even now when they find out i'm a mom, they automatically percieve me as different. even if i'm ever the same person i've always been. if anything i feel like i'm more of a person. i'm a better person. but i don't think the rest of the world looks at 'my kind' (does that apply here?? as a single mom am i considered a sub-genre of human being?? ... ????) like we're normal ass people
okay well MOSTLY normal..
ps ^^ what I would look like sans neck.. it's not pretty^^
when people look at me now they see my situation.. not me.. & looking at my situation i'm sure most jump to conclusions & think 'complicated' & 'messy' & 'baggage' & 'imprudent' & 'chaos' & 'irresponsible' & 'slut'.. afterall it's human nature & it's easy to look as someone & make quick judgements.. however i feel if i have ever been a semi-worthwhile person its now.. i put myself in this situation BUT it has done ME a world of good.. i've had to grow up a lot.. & even more than that it's forced me to grow as a person.. it's totally given me access to the full range of the spectrum of human emotion (i liked to pretend i was a hard ass.. i cry at everything now.. asher has ruined my bad bitch demeanor..)
sidenote: i'm not saying because i'm a mom that i am ANY better than any people out there that have yet to reproduce. i'm just saying for me personally its helped to mold me into like Amy 2.0 (or 3.0?? i'm not sure what the appropriate number would be to use here..)
so ya. my situation is less than desirable. i mean it's not terrible, it could be way worse (it could always be cancer) but it's not like anyone ever grows up & hopes to start a family solo. but those are the cards that i dealt myself. inspite of that i am still me. i'm still a normal 23 year old.
^i think this is an appropriate selfie pose for someone my age??^
sidenote:: i wear a LOT of rings..i'm like a white middle class MR. T.. oh & female.. i'm also female..
i still like the same things. i still laugh at the same things. i still overly love the feline population as a whole. i'm still super freaking weird. i still hate showers. i still sing overly loud & offkey in the car. & i still want the same things out of life. i still want to be able to be looked at as just ME!
& i don't want to be put at a disadvantage or have my motives questioned. i think a lot of the time people assume because i skipped the whole 'marriage' step & jumped straight to 'parenthood' that naturally i'm looking for a someone to close that gap. i'm not. & i think most others in my situation feel the same way. just cause i'm a single mom doesn't mean i'm a sexual predator that's just looking for someone to make an honest woman out of me (cause we are so past that its not even in my rearview anymore). personally i feel that by choosing to keep my child i simultaneously chose to (in a way) limit my future.. & that was a HUGE decision that had to made in a very finite window of time..(9 months to be exact..)
so for all other decisions in my life, especially the one where i finally consider marriage, i can wait.. oh my hell can i wait.. i'm not looking to add anyone to my 'crazy' for a long time.. i'm not in any hurry &/or in any way shape or form 'desperate' enough to consider just anyone because 'well they'd date you even given your SITUATION'.. i will NOT settle.. i CAN'T.. i am a single mother because i chose to have a child NOT marry one.. that being said eventually i am probably going to date (not a lot.. cause that's not my jam.. also i don't like many people.. & even less of those that are part of the opposite sex..) but when i start that shit show again i'll do it with every intention of just having fun.. at least for a LOOOOONG time.. cause when you look for something 'specific' you're setting yourself up for a big fat failulre..
seriously, DON'T look at me like a pyscho husband hunter. & i PROMISE i won't look at you like a potential victim!!
so just don't be wary about us that are single parents. don't make assumptions about us due to the fact that we have children. judge us by other stuff that actually 'matters' such as the type of people we are, do we stop for little kids lemonade stands, right twix or left twix, can we speak fluently in movie quotes (& like mayonnaise or miracle whip.. it's mayonnaise ps.. mayonnaise for the win).. lets be honest everybody has a past. everybody has demons. & everyone has skeletons in the closet. mine are just a little more obvious than others
but hot DAMN is he a cute little skeleton
WE OUT!
