you'll have to speak up.. i'm wearing a towel

firstly: i have a problem.. it's not a recent development either..  its something I've struggled with for a long time.. but i have a feeling that I'm not alone in my fight & that many people deal with the same ailment.. i have Password amnesia.. I know, I know.. there are simple solutions to prevent it.. but I'm stubborn & in my mind i can have a different password for every single one of my online accounts & it'll be fine because I'm smart..

well i guess I'm not as smart as i think i am because it just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to sign into this blog account.. sidenote: I'm not tech savvy.. & i end up wanting to punch technology in the face 6 out of every 5 times.. I'm also super good at math;)






so life lately has been about the same..






+my cult (crossfit) is going well.. minus the fact i want to die every single day..






+I'm getting my eyebrows tattooed on this Friday, which kinda makes me poop my pants due to my last tattoo turning out so well.. however that being said it's going to be nice to be able to go swimming or throw caution (& my eyebrow pencil) to the wind & NOT have people ask whats wrong with my face (eyebrows folks.. more important than you think..)






+i have a slightly separated collarbone due to a terrible injury i don't remember receiving.. which is weird cause it's right underneath my face so if i HAD in fact done something that was enough to cause damage to my collarbone i would think my face would still have evidence in the form of, i don't know, a bruise???  which leads me to believe that I'm not the one at fault here & someone probably karate chopped my neck in my sleep.. i don't want to sound dramatic &/or jump to conclusions but that is the most logical explanation i can think of.






+the more time i spend with my animals, the more i realize I'm slipping slowly into madness.. also I'm in a very verbally abusive relationship with my chiuhuahua.. he's the victim.. i don't know why he MAKES me mad at him, & yell at him all the time.. IT'S CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF DOG SHIT.. now come cuddle me.. patience- i have it in spades..






+Captain Phillips- aka the longest, most not intense, intense film in the history of ever.. & as much as i don't want to agree with a certain individual that movie would have been 5 minutes long if Tom Hanks had a piece on him (you think he would have learned after Cast Away.. I'm not saying it would have helped him get rescued.. I'm just saying it might have made his time on the island more enjoyable.. you cant hold a gun & not smile..).. & then the Somalian's just looked like hunger & there was that one that didn't close his mouth, NOT ONCE, for the entire duration of the movie (which was like 7 hours.. & no, once again, I'm not being dramatic)






+body waxing sucks.. after childbirth you would think nothing on the face of this planet could phase me.. well you'd be wrong.. i tried one strip in my bikini area & said 'eff this'.. the girls at the beauty supply house are misleading (when i say 'misleading' i mean LIARS).. I've literally had EVERYone of them tell me they wax themselves all the time & it doesn't even hurt.. i can bullshit.. it's a team sport my friend.. & once you start you can't stop.. once that hot sticky torture is on your skin there's no turning back.. & there's only one way to get it off.. it's like meth.. not even once.. but if you are gonna do it once, you need someone there.. more for moral support than anything else.. but also cause deep deep down (well not so deep in some) everybody's a sadist who thinks its funny to cause people undue bodily harm by way of wax.. so when YOU can't pull the strip up you KNOW that THEY can..






+ country & rap music.. NOT as different as you would think!
::Bentleys, bendz, & beamers..............i got a truck..
::both are highly delusional in thinking that we woman just throw ourselves at them ('cause we have to beg' -no woman ever)
::both can have amOHzing songs.. but both have songs about literally NOTHING (rocking the beer guy- bubble butt)
::BOTH teach you how to spell certain words (i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t......... g-o-o-d-t-i-m-e..)
now I'm not trying to say that they are twinners.. but they are at least 1st cousins..






+ ps while we're on a semi-country note i feel the need to address an Alan Jackson problem & ask what the hell is a hoochie cootchie & how hot does it get?? like jeez.. there are children listening..

it feels like sadness..

So.. I wanna start this post by saying 'don't judge me'.. secondly this is a follow up post to the butt dimple blog.. SORT OF!! don't be turned off just yet!! I mean i'm never for the faint of heart but this one won't be THAT bad (I know, I know I was told repeatedly that it was the epitome of an imagery nightmare.. I get it ok.. ass dimples are still taboo!!)

so I finally broke down & used an actual wrap.. like industrial strength.. made for my problem.. body wrap..&& ONCE AGAIN it gave a delightful refreshing feels-like-my-butt-skin-was-breathing feeling.. & honestly I could FEEL the skin tightening!!! did it give me a backside like Giselle?? deffffffinitely NAHT.. did it help with the not so cute dimples in my not so cute cheeks?? I think some.. was the swASS reduced?? considerably!! BUT I'm a realist so I wasn't expected it to solve all my problems &&& world hunger

^body wraps, when used exclusively, are about as effective as THIS for getting that beach body .^^

 

or anything like that.. & i mean ANY improvement is wonderful..  Vanquished cellulite would have ALSO been decidedly wonderful.. but I can't have it all & I mean I have a really AWESOME kid so I have a feeling i'm gonna be getting the shaft a LOT to make up the deficit I now have thanks to my Ashcat (worth it my friends.. totes worth it)..

so homemade wrap- *fart sound*.. legitimate body wrap *meh*.. leiserly once a week walks on the treadmill while watching Criminal Minds *FANTASTIC but not really doing anything* so whats a girl to do??

I'll tell you what this girl did.. I joined crossfit..

 I know, I know.. how lame can I get?? my 'uncool' apparently knows NO bounds.. how desperate was I???? 40 yr old virgin desperate (in my head that sounds pretty desperate.. or Lloyd Baker desperate **all of you outside the Star Valley limits will NOT understand that analogy**) so we have 2 crossfit gyms in town.. I chose Crossfit Aim.. its more my style, more my speed, & honestly I feel like a pretty big ass pirate doing crossfit in the first place HOWEVER that being said Crossfit Aim makes me feel considerably less douche.. i'm not sure how but whatevs.. i'll take it..

cross.fit.sucks.. it is the best WORST part of my day.. I hate every single second of it.. I want to puke.. I want to pass out.. I want to die.. I breath hard.. I sweat so much.. & mostly just want to die.. so the pain will stop.. & I'm convinced it will never get easier.. it will just continue to suck BUT eventually my body will just learn to shut out the pain..

or it won't!! it is the BEST workout regime for a mom though.. you have scheduled workouts, you show up, you do the work out that's been mapped out, you're usually done in 30 minutes (with WARMUP, WORKOUT,STRETCHING) & then you're DONE!! usually before your offspring even wakes up.. & its an intense workout so you know you're good for that 24 hour period.. I mean it seriously cuts into my Criminal Minds time but sacrifices MUST be made in the sake of a smooth bottom..

so that's whats new on that front.. back???? we out..

i MUSTACHE you.. are you feeling BLESSED??

hi.. so this past weekend was all sorts of ridiculously BISSSAY! we had Ashcats 1st birthday party &&& then we Caylo's blessing the next day.. luckily we had lots of people show up so it was a rip roaring good time!!

 

here is a photo montage of the weekend..

 

yes i'm being lazy.. judge me..

 

 ^UNKL BEN & Gabey all dressed to the 9's for Ashers 1st Birthday Party

 Miranda did a FABULOUS job on all stache baked goodies..

 ..she was even able to SAVE ashers cake (inspite of my seemingly determined efforts to make it look like ass)

my mustache is melting!!

 the babes & their bottles

 no pants dance

 it's cool.. the closeness is legal in at least Tennessee

 Gabe had a sweet ponytail

 ^^^wha??? mom's actually GIVING asher copious amounts of sugar^^^

 ready for her closeup

 ^^^wearing her moms blessing dress..it was ABOUT to get too small)

^Gabe came & sat on my lap during Sacrement meeting.. he was smiling so big.. &&& then he peed on me..^

 our Motley Crew

 Tippetts 2014 (& hopefully 2015 edition.. we don't need 3 babies in 3 years)

 Phil complained that all the pictures I posted made him look like a serial killer in the eyes..so I decided to go with this gem.. he doesn't look like a sociopath but it does scream 'UH DURRR'

 ^^^Tippetts plus Great Grandma Peggy.. Caylo's glare is spot on^^^

 Tippetts with Grandma Daunie

^^glare glare glare^^

 ^^Ashers newest trick is showing us his tongue.. I have a feeling this may come back to bite us later^

 ^^^apparently the right side didn't get the memo to look inwards^^^

 ^^Granny Moo & Grandpa Dave love being Grandparents^^

 Phil's family

 OwPetts.. sounds like armpits.. but it smells like love..

 Bonnie laugh picture.. have to have at least one per family gathering

 Asher was LOVING pictures at this point.. pathetic

 she is soooooo cute

 Caylo in her hairbow & matching socks from Aunt Bizzy

 ^smiles^

 ^^4 generations of DeCorias.. plus that famous DeCoria scowl brought to you by Caylo^^

 just munching down some doritos



HoliDON'T.. seriously.. just don't..

So it's that day again.. That horrible awful day.. That meaningless consumer driven holiday is once again upon us..

 Obviously Valentines Day is not muh fave.. in fact it ranks somewhere below Flag Day on the scale of importance..& it's not just because i'm 'single'.. future Mr. DeCoria, i will always hate this day.. congrats you're off the hook

 YET due to me being the thoughtful person I am I have devised a blog post FULL of only the BEST valentines to help make this day more bearable..

I don't know what it is about this^^^ but it speaks to me..

and lord knows that's a LOT

 for all of us.. I scratch your back.. I scratch MY back..?? whatev's, backs get scratched..

For all you German folk in need of some love today.. (I bet you did NAZI that coming)

if you're wondering, the answer is yes, my puns DO crack me up..

is my narcissism showing??

a little walter white action..

on this day I ask of you.. have the courage.. to touch that butt!

a modern take on an old classic..

 

for my AARP peeps.. holla..

oh nala.. he'd be LION if he said he didn't want to..

patience my comrade.. patience..

not sure if this borderlines on prostitution

some love for the fellas

keep telling yourself that Nappy..

Go USA (also you cant tell me that Russia is not the most terrifying place to host the Olympics in the history of ever.. also it probably smells like soup.. & oppression)

I HAD to throw this one in here.. because my Grandma is Peggy.. Peggy you slut;)

how can you say no that face??

 

And finally to finish it off, I have a message for the younger crowd.. aka Everyone under the age of 15..

you know its true..stop being turd jockeys

 

 

we out..