::WHAT A MOTHER::

First:: Let me just say that i'm pretty sure I think in rants. I don't even know if I could help my verbally lengthy (seemingly angry) thought process if I tried. But lesbi-honest here, I probably wont try. Also, I don't view myself as an inherently angry person persay. I'm just incredibly passionate about weird things. So know that most of what I say, I say with well not love (cause that's not my style) but lets say with some degree of oddly placed affection.

This is something that's been on my thinker for a while & while I anticipate it to be slightly controversial at best i'm still going to say it. Naturally. So here I go up on-top of my soap box. Please don't shoot me.

Pregnancy is not that hard (I can hear the shanks being sharpened) BUT really NOT in the impossible way that I feel like women make it seem. I'm sorry BUT its literally WHAT we were built for. Amongst other things, like we aren't JUST glorified baby builders, BUT kind of. I will admit it's uncomfortable. You're growing another human being. Your pelvic bones are literally spreading so you can push a watermelon out of something that is generally the size of a lime. Your boobs are heavy & sore. Physically its taxing. BUT its doable.  I mean I've never heard of someone DYING from being preggers. To clarify, I have hard of women dying from complications due to pregnancy & from labor (which is a natural & imminent side effect of pregnancy) but NEVER just flat out expiring from being knocked up.

Certain peoples bodies RESPOND better to growing another human being than others. I feel like I was built to grow babies. My sister on the other hand, is easily one of the best mothers I've ever met, but she sucks at pregnancy. She does. Her first pregnancy was so taxing that not even anti-nausea medication could keep her from being hospitalized multiple times during the ENTIRE 9 months for dehydration due to throwing up so violently & frequently. It was literally like she was possessed. The sounds we witnessed coming from the bathroom were truly scarring. She also had polyhydramnios, which caused her to gain 45lbs of excess water on TOP of the 40 lbs she just gained by naturally being up the spout. 85 lbs folks & so much amniotic fluid her skin was like memory foam) They had to induce her a week early just because her skin could literally stretch no further. By the time she left the hospital after 2 days she had already lost 35 lbs of pure fluid. 

(this was her ankle a few days AFTER childbirth.. her skin was still memory foam.. that's a dog pawprint.. taken roughly 3 minutes AFTER he stepped on her leg.)

 

She had about as horrible a pregnancy, with the exception of those that end in stillbirth, that anyone could have I shit you not. She's now 26 weeks into pregnancy #3. She's still pretty terrible at it but she NEVER bitches about her babies.

Why?? Because its never ANYthing that ought to be complained about. I'm sorry but pregnancy is generally a choice. Even in unexpected instances. I never planned on getting knocked up BUT by choosing to be sexually active I knew that it was a possibility I was technically CHOOSING to maybe live with. The babies that we bear don't ASK to be born. They never ASK for us to get pregnant. THEY OWE US NOTHING!! THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL!! WE SHOULDN'T BLAME ANY OF OUR PHYSICAL WOES ON THEM!! We CHOOSE to bring them here. Pregnancy is how we do that. It's kinda been happening for a couple thousand years I think by now we should have ALL caught on.

(don't worry about the weight gain. it's normal & healthy to gain on average 35 lbs. It's not like you're going to just keep being pregnant forever.. also if you naturally don't gain the recommended weight as long as you're healthy that's all that matters)

It is incredible what we women are able to do. Pregnancy & childbirth are truly awe-inspiring. I mean the stork method would have worked out too if that's the route God had chosen to take. But being able to bear children is nothing short of amazing. Labor sucks. But its still admittedly really friggin cool.

To the women who get pregnant & choose to continue to upkeep there hard-living life styles while pregnant:: I.E. smoking, drinking, hot tubbing, ect. Grow the f*** up.  There is NO excuse. I don't care how much 'you don't want to be pregnant' & 'just can't handle it' STOP being so damn selfish. It is 9 months of your life & if you can't keep your shit together for even 9 months then please, for the love of God, find that baby a better situation. 9 months of your life. NOT EVEN A FULL YEAR & you are making decisions  that will affect someone else for the rest of their lives. I was there. I was terrified. Absolutely scared shitless when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to get away from it all. So I remember that. I feel for anyone that has to go through that BUT honestly get over it. Motherhood & selfishness cannot exist together. Since you already, in a round about way, chose motherhood.. guess which one needs the boot..

Think of what we are complaining about? What if the one thing that as a woman you should be able to do you couldn't? Think of all the women that would kill (like literally cold blooded murder with their bare hands) to be able to go through childbearing. 

Infertility is such a heartbreaking & emotionally draining thing. It can be just as hard to NOT have a baby as it is to HAVE one. Just in different ways. Also, consider all the women who are at the point in their lifes where they are dying to be in a position where they can start their own family. Think of the heartbreak they feel yearning every single day over something you mock by claiming it to be such a horrible inconvenience. Pregnancy is NOT ABOUT US. It is ALL ABOUT THEM. I am so grateful that I was able to bring my Ashcat into this world. I would live in that pregnant body, with 'dat ass' & all the side-effects that went with it, everyday for the rest of my LIFE if that was required for him to be here. 

In closing. Pregnancy is lovely & miraculous. Pregnancy is not a burden. Pregnancy is a blessing. It should be viewed as such.

&&& scene. Ames out.


PS, to all you knocked up ladies out there. Don't shank me. I had to say it.

PSS. On the flipside motherhood is friggin tough. Mad props to all the mothas in the place.

Your letters are about as heartwarming and personal as a coupon

randomely decided to look into my sent e-mail folder && this little gemstone I sent to Ben on October 5, 2013.. i'm posting it because it fully illustrates just how my mind works, thinks, && jumps around from thought to thought with no regard for where it came from or where it's going..

 

 enjoy, ya?? 

 

 

PS that was my actual header to this letter.. my brother=the warm fuzzy feel goods, always

 

dear elder faggot,

 

so yesterday was homecoming.. kind of.. due to the government shutdown ALL national parks are closed so it was difficult for Powell to make it here?? not the team of course but the 12 fans that are going to show up.. so they postponed the game from yesterday at 4:00 to today at 2:00.. so yesterday was a lot of homecoming MINUS the homecoming game.. which is the whole reason we have a homecoming?? whatev's I ain't in high school.. so Rainey was Jr. Attendant so yesterday morning was devoted to getting her ready for the assembly/parade/but not for the game.. this whole last week was pretty busy for me in the salon.. Brooke had clients too but EVERYone wanted nail sets I swear.. so my brain cell count is pretty depleted after this fume-filled week.. I just had to bathe the kitten & let me tell you it was a LABOR of LOVE!! she had BODAGGITS! & guess who got to pick them off.. WOOF!! she is decidedly NOT Lyv's cat, she's is the babies cat cause THEIR MOMS are the reason that cat is still kickin it.. Did you get the picture I sent explaining her name?? Butterface, butters for short.. cause she's super cute, butterface ;) clever no?? this morning I FORCED her to start to learn to drink milk from a dish, cause me & cole are SICK of having to feed her with a bottle all thru the day & night.. We watched The Great Gatsby last night.. it was a super well made film.. (it was Baz Lhurman, who directed Moulin Rouge/Australia so it was in that style) & it was super well acted BUT my hell it's just a shitty stinkin story!! like who decides to write depressing crap like that?? Some Fitzgerald dude apparently.. so all in all it was kinda a bust.. idk if you would want to waste your time watching it.. Conference today!! which means?? CONFERENCE BREAKFAST. you sir missed out!! I made pancakes! IN cool shapes even, that WEREN'T just circles, mom did hashbrowns, bacon (real & pork), & eggs with orange juice.. We only doubled the pancakes cause you weren't here.. (Mudd ate 6 herself, Phil had 10 pancakes, 3 cups OJ, 6 cups milk, 2 eggs, 2 sizable hashbrown servings, & 4 pieces bacon.. Coley has an apt with Dr. Milleson on Monday otherwise she would have eaten him under the table! BUT she doesn't want to get chastised for weight gain..) Gabe ate some pancakes himself.. he now sits in a high chair & MOSTly feeds himself. It is a beautiful thing. Lyv looked super pretty last night.. so me & Phil decided that Austin is not necessarily a bad looking kid it's just his face happens on only 30% of his head.. which strongly resembles a bucket.. Asher's teeth are SOOO sooo sharp.. we have to be very watchful when the kitten is out cause Ashcat has a knack for throwing her around by her many & various apendages.. It's now 1:30 & dad is getting up to go to the homecoming game.. he hadn't slept in like 36 hours & he got like a 3 hr. nap in.. he works too hard & too much.. he was sleeping with Ash for a while & they were both snoring.. it was like a choir.. dad was the tenor & asher the star soprano.. then ash woke up & dad started puffing.. Ash is now rolling around & panting like a dog.. pretty regular occurance in all actuality.. so phil was sick, got brooke sick, who got ash sick, who got grama sick, who now has gotten me sick.. it feels like I've been snorting chlorine.. & everything, EVERYTHING tastes like snot.. so really the last few days when I've been eating mostly for textures.. I should just stick to eating air cause it's less calories?? Lyv was worried about not fitting into her dress & her fool-proof plan was going to be copious amounts of laxatives the day before.. I obvi talked her out of it.. in hindsight though I maybe should have let her 1 or 2.. Jean went to see her daughter this week so we need to make sure we go see Bob & feed him this week.. Asher is now 19 &1/2 lbs..Informercials can suck muh wang.. we've had topgear, conference & informercials on the tube today.. *pantomime gun shot to right temple* coley is ALMOST to 30 weeks knocked up.. which is exciting no?? So I know that I am now rambling.. & I actually really REALLY need to take a anp BUT brooke wants the computer to watch Teen Mom 3.. which I don't have a prob with .. but I don't want her to have it.. for whatever reason.. so all I have to do is hold out like say 10 more minutes.. cause then she'd only have 5 minutes to watch TM3  before afternoon sesh & lesbi honest it wouldn't be worth it.. does this make me a bad sister?? perhaps.. i'm now writing with one hand, laying down, in an effort to stretch this letter out..lugies too many lugies.. I don't even know if they have consessions at todays game?? fail.. i'm now just mostly pretending to click keys.. Brooke has the poops.. she blames my pancakes.. I blame the laxatives & probiotics.. ya well hope Portugal is sweet.. CTR dude. Remember who you are & what you stand for. Loves & airhugs

 

Love Ames & Ashcat

 

 

The Year of the Ashcat//Ash Wednesday

((AKA the best years of my life))

 

so.. let me start off by saying I was never someone who wanted children.. honestly, i'm about as maternal as a rock (I know shocking because I come off as such a warm & inviting individual.. *scoff) .. & I didn't plan on having kids for a long LONG time (if ever).. but then I disregarded ALL those horrendously awkward sex-ed videos from my public school era, that warned me about 'sex' & how it can have permanent & last side effects such as 'children' & wouldn't ya know it, they were right..

& he is the best side effect I've ever had (&& I know a damn thing about 'side-effects'.. I am the Poster Child for 'Murphy's Law.. if somethings going to happen to that 1% iiii am going to be that 1%)  don't get me wrong though it wasn't all cat purrs & chocolate milk.. the thought of ME having a CHILD terrified me & then to realize that I would be an M-O-M just about made me shit my pants.. I mean ya I was 22 (almost 23), had already gone through school, && had already read ALL the Harry Potters, but I mean even with that impressive resume, could IIIIIIIIIIII raise a semi-respectable member of society??? I don't know.. I still have my doubts & go through those days where i'm sure if my child had been solely reared by me he MIGHT have been the next Jeffry Domer..

^maternity pictures courtesy of :: KatyDid Photography^^

so as my child approach's his big TWO YEAR OLD milestone I can't help but gush.. (if you're sick of hearing about/seeing pictures of my kid NOW is the time to exit this blog post.. but I hate you & you're wrong).. I mean throughout combined efforts, that I've been a part of, a human being has been kept alive for almost TWO whole calendar years.. although he HAS done his best to thwart our efforts (over achiever + no regard for physical safety or wellbeing + the energy of an entire Rugby team in one tiny body = asher)

& while I NEVER saw my life taking quite this drastic of a turn of events I can't say I regret one minute of it.. now I DO regret how I spent my time leading up to my Ashy.. I wish I would have done more so I could be more & do more for him.. but you cant cry over spilled milk (unless it's breast milk.. then you just go ahead & sob)

alas here he is, & here I am & we're doing ok.. i'll ask my Coley all the time 'what did we do before babies??' & she'll say 'I have no idea but I know I had a TON more free time, I wasn't near this freakin tired, & thought I was a LOT busier than I was' & it's the truth.. I can't really remember what life was like before these tiny tyrants we call children came along but I honestly can say it wasn't anywhere near as important as my life now!

I have never actually written down his birth story so I figure I should get it down on paper, while it's still semi-fresh.. okay okay it's completely stale BUT the events of that day, like the pain of labor, will forever be scarred into my brain.. ONWARDS..

okay so 2 year ago today I was very, very pregnant right now.. i was in the home stretch, my dr's appts had graduated to 'weekly status', baby was running out of room, i was having a hard time finding enough room for myself in my own body, & i was ready to have a baby.. don't get me wrong I  LOVED being pregnant.. I never worried about the weight gain (35 'HEALTHY' pounds holla!!) ..Everytime i got weighed i left my coat &&& shoes on & said with gusto 'alright tell me how NOT thin i am'!!.. I never really was horribly uncomfortable.. it didn't slow me down.. & i only got 3 1/2 inch stretch marks above my belly button.. that totally fan out into like a crown which i have always attributed to my Little Prince 'branding me'.. which i oddly find heartwarming??

^taken 5 days before the GREAT PUSH whilst in early labor^

 

BUT anyways my body started into labor the entire week before I had him (normal, according to my doctor, since we THOUGHT i was 40 weeks.. that is another story)  & so 3 days into that I was OVER the contractions every 3 minutes & the constant pee breaks.. among other horrible unmentionable things.. (birth is just carnage.. pure bodily carnage) & I was convinced he was NEVER going to come out.. he was an incredibly lazy baby towards the end, like wouldn't move all day, (even when i fell down the stairs..) nothing fazed my 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' baby, && I think he really was just cozy all up in my uterus.. so even though I was TECHNICALLY in early labor my Dr. made the appointment to strip my membranes (she didn't want to use pitocin unless necessary) Tuesday the 5th due to the fact that it WAS my first baby & my body didn't know quite how to get the ball rolling & that I was measuring at//my ultrasounds were reading that I was mere days away from 41 weeks pregnant

^trying to jump this baby out 2 days prior^

oh & me & Gabey are matching fatties in our onsies

 so i'm supposed to have my membranes stripped that Tuesday at 11:30am & have my baby later that day.. Monday night comes, I eat some Jello & head to bed.. only I couldn't sleep.. I constantly was having contractions && I had to pee literally every 5 minutes.. so naturally i'm pissed cause I know I NEED my sleep cause tomorrow I was birthing a baby (oh how right I would turn out to be).. I ended up getting maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.. 4:45am comes & I feel like I have to get up & walk around.. so I go into the kitchen & BAM contraction!!  so i'm leaning on the island & I look up & staring at me through the laundry room door is Miss Kitty.. now I've been admitted & booted out of the hospital 3 times in the last week & that does NOT do good things for a preggers woman's moral.. so I look at my cat, delirious with pain, & verbally ask her.. 'MK, if this is really REALLY it, give me a sign.. any sign..' now this cat is the most fidgety vocal borderline-autistic feline in the history of ever & for the first, last, & only time in her life she did nothing.. NOTHING.. that damn cat didn't even blink.. I was so mad that if it didn't feel like lady parts were being repeatedly run over I probably would have marched right over to her & drop kicked her.. but my lady parts DID feel like they were being repeatedly run over so my spiteful cat lived to see many another day.. then at about 5:10am  I had the overwhelming feeling that I need to drop a deuce (I know. child birth is so cute) so my soul is a little crushed when I realize 'maybe all that i'm meant to birth tonight is a turd..' so I waddle my way to the bathroom sit down & nothing.. & then HOLY HELL a massive contraction hits me while i'm sitting on the can...

now I feel is a good time to tell you that I didn't go to any birthing classes.. knew nothing of controlling my breathing & what not.. so naturally i'm in a lot of pain & so I just stop breathing.. so now i'm on the pot with my pants down & i'm getting extremely light headed & I realize that if I pass out now, i'm going to fall off, & Ben who is just through the wall from the bathroom, will hear the thud & investigate & find me pants down, ass up, on the floor.. which A. no brother should have to see & B. I knew when Ben DID find me like that he was likely to leave me there & go back to bed.. so with that heartwarming scenario in mind I now was determined to get through this contraction & go get myself help WITH my pants on.. so the contraction ends, I re-oxygenate my body, & I book it for the stairs..

down down down the stairs I go (not too fast, dont need to fall down them again.. although it would have saved time) I reach the bottom, shuffle to the end of the hallway, open the door to my mom, turn on the light, & CONTRACTION.. so I hit the floor, on ALL fours, not saying anything, she pops up & chiperly ask's 'is it go-time?? okay let me go put my shoes' with WAY too much enthusiasm for me at that moment.. contraction ends & I open the door to my room (where Coley & Gabe are staying) they are both up & i am retarded amounts of hurt at the moment so I open the door peak my head in, then close the door.. then I repeat this process 5 more times before Coley finally asks (in a semi-non judgemental tone) 'soooooo... baby??/ I am finally able to gather my wits about me & respond 'we don't know but mom's gonna take me in then we'll see if it's another false alarm so we'll call you if it's for real' (surprisingly articulate considering the last 5 silent minutes of my life *backpat*)  Nicole declares 'NONSENSE we're already up so we're coming right now!!' so up she goes & I take this opportunity to draw on my eyebrows.. I was NOT bring a baby into this world with OUT eyebrows (it made sense to me at the time) then I waddle upstairs & put on my slippers, get through another contraction & then I waddle out to the car.

. my MOM goes literally 100mph on icy roads & gets me to the hospital in no more than 45 seconds.. I'm not kidding you.. my single request was 'DON'T JOSTLE ME!!'  we screech up to the ER & she throws it in park jumps out & eats it.. HARD.. on some black ice (& wouldn't you know it another contraction so I missed the excitement.. it's probably for the best.. I would have laughed & it would have hurt more) so they get me into L&D room 2 at around 5:45am.. & the nurse checks me & lo & behold i'm at a 5.. & i'm bipolar when i'm in labor pains.. I was yelling at people then apologizing profusely cause I was terrified they'd get mad & not give me the drugs.. (&& I was in full on junkie mode looking for that sweet spinal tap fix) .. so we're waiting for the anesthesiologist & they SAY they can give me other pain meds through my IV.. only they can't get a line it.. cause they kept blowing out my veins.. in both arms..  I WANT TO DIE.. (asher said 'OPEN SESAME' & my cervix did NOT skip a beat..

reading a Sports Illustrated.. trying to bring those good testosterone vibes into the room..

my contractions were hitting hard & heavy.. i have had no drugs.. i had made my peace with God//was willing myself to just. die. & hoped that Coley would recognize her role in all of this && would just slice me open & retrieve my baby, ala Twilight style..

 

35 minutes later, my drug dealer finally showed up, got the IV in with a needle literally the size of a basketball pump, & then sets about to giving me the goods.. & only numbed my right side.. HOWEVER they were able to check me now because i no longer had a death wish & TADA!! i was already fully at a 10.. so in less than 40 minutes i was OPEN for business..i'm telling you people i was made to birth babies.. & while i most definitely got that epidural for the pushing, i KNOW what dialating to a 10 feels like.. & it's not good.. so then we re-did my epidural again & now BOTH sides were numb & all was right in the world..

after that my Dr. showed up & asked how I was (awesome, flipping AWESOME) & then she said if I was good to sit for about an hour, to let the baby move down, she was gonna go check on patients.. now I have sisters that had to get ready for babies first photo-op so it just was best for everyone to wait a while before pushing.. so we chilled & painted face for about 1&1/2 hours then my Dr. came back & we set about getting the show on the road..

^^ first photo op with the goods)

Finally after about an hour of pushing (I felt like Greys Anatomy should have better prepared me for real time pushing) .. at 10:00 am, on March 5th, Asher Ames popped out an exceptionally healthy (albeit 4 FULL weeks premature.. He was born the day he turned 36 weeks.. I say this to fully illustrate what a TANK he would have been had he gone full term) 7lbs 11.5oz,

19'' long (short???) NO respiratory problems, scored an 8 on the APGAR, && MY was he a handsome new born.. I know MOST everybody say that, but my babes really was a good looking, straight out the womb

^^taken AS they handed him back to me only MNUTES old.. I know BABEin right?!?!^^

he was SUCH good baby.. he slept most the time.. only cried when he was hungry.. nursed like a champ,. & had no less than 10 dirty diapers a DAY! he had the farts of a full grown man..the only thing was he pretended to be deaf for 2 months.. like failed hearing tests.. didn't respond to noise.. just ignored us.. he was incredibly rude.. then he started smiling as SOON as the ruse was up.. he was just a little cuddle bug.. he NEVER cooed.. instead opting for zombie-esque grunts..

^moms little dock worker^

 Ben was the ONLY sibling not there for the birth.. he said 'I already watched my legitimate nephew come out I don't need to see your bastard be borned'.. he was mostly kidding;)

 

Great Grandma Peggy

MomCole loved the Tiny AshMan

Pop pop loves his manly little grandchildren

 Aunt Turtle

 are you my mother??

 

 Aunt SUGs (she was seriously considering stealing him in this moment..Brooke just has creepy baby snatching vibes)

 

basically he is the best thing that I have ever & will ever do.. & honestly I feel like he is to great for me to even take any credit.. he is so far beyond myself in every way.. I mean in looks he IS my mini-me, but in all the wonderful that he is, he is 100% self-made.. i'm so happy he chose to be a part of our loud crazy family & I can't wait for many many MANY more years of the Ashcat

^when he was 1 week old^

 

^mothers day in Hawaii// 2 months old^

 

^GIRL-OFF with brother-cousin Gabe^

 

^moms bad biker babe on a bike ride to see one of his favorite people, POP POP, at work^

 

^mustache MAY^

 

^First 4th of July in their homemade Merica belly shirts^

 

his Aunty Helen MADE him & Gabe CUSTOM speedo's for their first camping trip at Priest Lake ID

BEACH BABES

 



he hated watermelon?? WHAT!!! that was one of my biggest pregnancy cravings!!!

 

^first Halloween//Gabeoween.. Lucifer & Gus Gus^^

Coley MADE that costume from SCRATCH!!

 

Christmas 2013

 

WALKING at 9 months

 

He LOVES his Caylo sissy

 

 

^First birthday// the mustache bash^

 

\

on his FIRST CRUISE

(Asher has been to 4 Countries & 11 states)

 

^Being a sweet church go-er boy^

(he's finally gotten to only biting ONE kid in nursery.. that kid is Gabe)

First boat ride

^this is how we rode.. the entire time^

 

FIRST TUBE RIDE!!

 

^The END of that first tube ride^

(kidding)

 

^weekly family trips to the Tauphus Park Zoo//summer 2014^

 

Ashcats 2nd Halloween/GabeOween

(Shaggy & the Miner Forty-Niner)

 

ASHCAT OUT

 

Ps::happy ASH Wednesday

Pss:: ..we're not catholic..

Psss:: ..like at all..