HoliDON'T.. seriously.. just don't..

So it's that day again.. That horrible awful day.. That meaningless consumer driven holiday is once again upon us..

 Obviously Valentines Day is not muh fave.. in fact it ranks somewhere below Flag Day on the scale of importance..& it's not just because i'm 'single'.. future Mr. DeCoria, i will always hate this day.. congrats you're off the hook

 YET due to me being the thoughtful person I am I have devised a blog post FULL of only the BEST valentines to help make this day more bearable..

I don't know what it is about this^^^ but it speaks to me..

and lord knows that's a LOT

 for all of us.. I scratch your back.. I scratch MY back..?? whatev's, backs get scratched..

For all you German folk in need of some love today.. (I bet you did NAZI that coming)

if you're wondering, the answer is yes, my puns DO crack me up..

is my narcissism showing??

a little walter white action..

on this day I ask of you.. have the courage.. to touch that butt!

a modern take on an old classic..

 

for my AARP peeps.. holla..

oh nala.. he'd be LION if he said he didn't want to..

patience my comrade.. patience..

not sure if this borderlines on prostitution

some love for the fellas

keep telling yourself that Nappy..

Go USA (also you cant tell me that Russia is not the most terrifying place to host the Olympics in the history of ever.. also it probably smells like soup.. & oppression)

I HAD to throw this one in here.. because my Grandma is Peggy.. Peggy you slut;)

how can you say no that face??

 

And finally to finish it off, I have a message for the younger crowd.. aka Everyone under the age of 15..

you know its true..stop being turd jockeys

 

 

we out..

in CRUST we TRUST..

I've had a pinteresting week.. one day: butt wrap.. next day: cauliflower crust pizza!! (and it's only Wednesday!!) Now I know, most are apprehensive when speaking of vegetable substitute for a good old American classic BUT trust me when I say it wasn't horrible.. And it was super easy to make/health conscience/GLUTEN FREE (holla)!!

So I start out grating the cauliflower & immediately the kitchen smells like fart.. which MIGHT have deterred some people but did it stop me?? obviously not.. (or this would be the shortest blog post ever) .. so then i microwaved my grated fare.. which only intensified the aroma of butt..& now it was warm butt.. BUT i still had high hopes..  I believe at this point Nicole told me that 'while most people have an angel & a devil on their shoulders I have someone that's not smart on one & some hillbilly doing a goat on the other..' which is kinda difficult to respond to?? it's a hard point to argue but i'm doubtful that 'thanks' is the correct response either (i guess maybe it's like 'how many licks to get to center of the lollipop?? the world may never know'' thing.. only not at all)

ONWARDS:: so then i added some spices, copious amounts of cheese (you can't go wrong with too much dairy byproduct) , & some egg.. so i was feeling more in my element at this point.. then i molded it (wow that makes it sound awful) into a pizza like crust shape on a pregreased pizza pan & finally threw my molded masterpiece in the oven for what was supposed to be like 10 minutes but ended up near the 25 minute marker (get your shit together Pinterest)..

 v after what seemed like forever (exageration.. it wasn't that long.. i'm just dramatic when i get hungry) .. i pulled out a  semi normal/slightely delicious looking pizza crust! At this point the fart smell was ALMOST diminshed by the smell of italian seasoning/cheese.. (glorious cheese).. Then i put on pizza sauce & various assorted pizza toppings (olives, green peppers, & lunch meat.. don't judge it's all i had) & moooooore cheese! then back into the inferno it went!!

When all is said & done it was actually a decent tasting endeavour.. the texture was actually quite nice & the taste was no where near fart (which i consider a major victory.. major major major)  i mean can i say that it tasted EXACTLY like normal pizza?? heck no!!.. BUT considering i turned a vegetable into a carb substitute & it was palatable is a feat in & of itself.. happy humpday folks! && we'll see what other shenanigans the remainder of this week holds for me

ITS A WRAP

So.. for the past.. er.. like 5 days (not quite a week) i got it in my head that i was going to succesfully do a DIY body wrap.. don't ask me why THAT was the idea that i became fixated on, it just happened..

sidenote:: i didn't decide i wanted to do one because i thought it'll magically make me look like Jen Aniston (although i wouldN'T complain if it did..) && i'm not interested in the 'weightloss' aspect, i just wanted to see, cause i was devestatingly curious, if it could in fact elleviate cellulite..

thats right.. i said it.. i suffer from butt dimples.. doesn't matter how skinny i get my ass is still trying to say it's sexy.. in reverse braille.. & so after extensive pinteresting research i decided to give it a go..

so down to my room i went with my saran wrap, lotion, & ace bandages.. feeling admittedly sheepish about the items i had in tow.. it just is an odd assortment.. anyways once in the confines of my room i slathered on my B&BW's body cream, added a few drops of DoTerra Slim & Sassy oil for good measure, & then proceeded to assault myself with cellophane..

do you know how hard it is too properly wrap a buttcheek in saran wrap?? they are NOT an ergonomically correct shape for shrink wrap..  & then you have the dilemma.. do i one cheek it?? OR do i just go full monty & get the whole rearend in one fell swoop?? (those are the questions that keep me up at night).. after some deliberation i decided it would likely be most effective to individually wrap (once again can i stress  how difficult it is to encase your dairy air in plastic??) & then go back & wrap the seperately wrapped buttcheeks together.. i'd be lying if i didn't say it took a solid 15 minutes.. which i think is an excessively large amount of time.. i mean my butts big.. but its not THAT big.. (or maybe it is.. Denile is NOT just a river in Egypt).. then came the ace bandage wrap.. which went on marketably easier, seeing the more 'intricate' work, had already been done..the only difficult part was getting JUST the right tension in my elastic prison.. too loose & it wouldn't do it's job.. too tight & i would need an amputation (& i didn't really want to have to explain to traind medical professionals WHAT i was doing with ace bandade on my butt cheek).. so there i was.. ass wrapped.. ready for bed & smooth skinned glory..(ps. the slim & sassy really did give my rearend a delightful zesty?? (is that the right adjective??) refreshing?? feeling.. so at least it FELT effective)

so it takes a while to get comfortable.. i'm still not feeling any less awkward about my current state & i'm starting to question 'how did i get here?? how did i get to the point where i'm stuffing myself in a synthetic casing??' but eventually at about 11:20 i am able to drift off.. that DIDN'T last.. roughly around 2am, i wake up in a panic, cause i'm seemingly DROWNING in my own butt sweat.. i look at my phone.. dismayed that it's only been 3 hours (all the pinterest postings were adamate that for maximum effectiveness you leave it on OVERNIGHT (or 8 hours).. i wasn't even to the halfway mark.. so i close my eyes & will myself back into slumber.. it didn't happen.. cause 5 minutes later i had that 'i gotta go' feeling that you know is NOT gonna go away.. so i frankenwalk down the hall to the bathroom.. & now is the moment of truth.. can i find away around the saran wrap to pee inspite of my plastic prison OR do i just have to 86 it GET to pee in peace but possibly  miss out on the final 5 hours of my body wrap where the magic might happen!!!.. these were both equally important options i was facing.. butt dimples?? bladder cancer?? in the end my lady parts well being won out (for the sake of health)

so here i am 12 hours later.. sans bladder cancer, having survived copious amounts of swASS, not sure if i'm feeling anymore smooth (didn't take before & after pictures cause i had NO intention of posting them cause lesbi honest that would be mildly inappropro with a touch of softcore porn) but i definately have a greater respect for all meats shoved in synthenic casing.. cause I was that meat only a few short hours ago..

so bottom line was it effective?? possibly ( i don't know since i missed out on the maybe magical last 5 hours) :: will i do it again?? most likely (i normally have to try bad ideas a few times JUST to make sure they are in fact BAD ideas.. except for unexpected unwed pregnancy.. THAT is my only one & done) :: will i do anything differently?? pee before i make my ass a meat mummy (also more DoTerra oil.. it really was strangely delightful)

 & with all the lovely images & questions i have filled your conscience with, i will bid thee a fair Tuesday.. IT'S A WRAP!