you da real mvp

I don't know how to be a mother. I've sat & stared at this computer screen for God knows HOW long trying to find some variation & formation of words that would make this post seem less horrendous. I could find none. I say none of this lightly, so i'll just come out & say it. I have an acute inability to mom.

I figured I'd be able to change. That nature would kick in eventually & my mothering instincts would kick on at full blast. And they never did. I can still remember that moment that Asher was born. I heard his cries & I  remember I felt something BUT it wasn't that incredible bond that other people had spoken about. It was like hearing Gabes or Carolines or Nicos cries for the first time. I loved him with all that I had & then some, I would kill, with my bare hands, for this child withOUT a second thought, I recognized how special & wonder & precious this tiny new baby was, but I KNEW even then something was off. Something inside of me wasn't right.

I was so disappointed in myself. I had been hoping throughout my pregnancy that I was wrong. That something inside me would shift & I'd be able to love my baby in the right way that would allow me to be the mother he deserved. I was wrong.

I take care of people. Its what I've always done. I have all these skills & it seems like the very best of them revolve around motherhood. Yet I can't mother to save my life. It is the most frustrating thing I've ever dealt with. It's like a was meant to mother things YET I can't actually be a mother in & of itself. I've always excelled at caring for YET lack severely at loving things. I don't know how to love in the correct way. I have so much love in me for so many people & things in my life & I have no idea how to show it OR what to do with it.

Thankfully God knew that I would be different & somewhat broken. So he made sure when he made me that I would have a Coley.

Coley is the mother I could never be & then some. She is the one that is there to comfort Asher when he has bad dreams. She is the one that bears the brunt of his killer aim & ability to throw shit at an accelerated velocity whenever he's having a bad day. She's the one that holds him when he's sick. Who gets him ready & takes him to Church. She's the one that takes him to the doctors. Who got him a cat even though she hates the filthy creatures.

Who reads him stories. Who hangs her head over the crib for hours so he can play with her hair while he falls asleep. Who builds up his tiny confidence. Who lets him be little. Who sneaks him 'kinka (pink) milk'. She is the one that watches his favorite movies over & over & over again to the point that she could single handedly put on a verbatim one woman play if ever necessary. She is Asher's biggest hype man & strictest security detail. (you do NOT mess with her babies). She's the one who is there when I'm not.

She pops out babies like its solely HER mission to repopulate an already populated planet, but she is a good enough mom to do it. While I love my Ashcat with everything that I have. SHE loves Ashy in the way he deserves to be loved. In the way that he needs to be loved. Even on her worst day she is a better mom then I could ever hope to be.

And I know that I haven't said thank you to her, not nearly enough, for the sacrifice she's making on behalf of my shortcomings. Coley is the mother that I couldn't be. She's the mother that I always wanted my Asher to have. Every wonderful & spectacular thing that my beautiful perfect Asher WILL be, he will owe to his Mom. His beautiful MomCole.